Friday, April 30, 2010

Moving

Hi,

just wanted to let everybody know that my blog is moving , the new address is
http://swingingthroughthestars.blogspot.com/ , i hope you will go and have a look , i will post on there from now on and will be deleting this blog in a few days xox

Saturday, April 3, 2010

I'm going to tell you something
I hope you'll never have to know.
I'll tell you how a heart can break
And tears can constant flow.
I lost my baby girl you see,
An angel in my eyes.
God chose to take her hand one day
And led her to the skies.
But please do not forget my child.
She was a person too.
And forever she will live
Inside of me and you.
So, please don't ever tell me
That time will heal my pain
Because not even time
Can bring her back again.
Just tell me she is happy
In that land way up above
She's snuggled in an angels wings
All wrapped in Mummy's love

~ author unknown ~

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Rillee

It coming up to Rillee's Day , on the 5th April it will be her one year Angelversry , the closer it get the harder it is getting :( not even sure what to say about anything or what to say to anyone anymore, its taking everything i have, all my strength to even go about my day with some sort of calm and smile , i have to do it , i have to be ok around people , so i wait until night when everyone else is asleep and then the tears roll down my face for the rest of the night :( like now , it is about 140am and once again im crying and cant find a way to stop xx i will update in a few days xx

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

i dont know what to write to explain how im feeling, Rillee's 1year Angelversary is coming up and so is Horowai's EDD

<3 <3

Friday, March 19, 2010

struggling :( xx

<3 Rillee <3 Horowai <3 Payton <3 Savannah <3 Gabrielle <3

Thursday, March 18, 2010

I can say , i am not doing well :( CAn hardly drag myself out of bed , no appetite and lost a bit of weight already , cant be bothered with anything , cant cry , just feel depressed , cant make myself go to the doctor , that officially in the too hard basket. Another family member with cancer passed away not quite a week ago , my Angels and him in one week may just be too much. Might just crawl back into bed and not deal with anything . will update another day x


<3 Rillee <3 Horowai <3 Payton <3 Savannah <3 Gabrielle <3

Friday, March 12, 2010

I am trying so hard to hold it together , my family still know nothing and i cant handle them as well. It feels like something bubbling under the surface and every once in a while a tear escapes , i wipe it away and suck it up and wait till noone is around. just feel so miserable and just cant be bothered anymore. I just want my Angels with me

<3 Rillee <3 Horowai <3 Payton <3 Savannah <3 Gabrielle <3

Thursday, March 11, 2010

blank ..

No words for how i feel today

<3 Rillee <3 Horowai <3 Payton <3 Savannah <3 Gabrielle <3

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

my vent .... get a hobby!!!!

Why is it that when people get bored they go looking for someone to wind up? Why do people act big and mighty while they are sneaking around being idiots? People seriously need to get hobbies , because something doesnt fit YOUR picture doesnt mean you have the right to go around calling other people sluts and questioning them ! Its RUDE , anyone from facebook who is reading this and does have a problem with me , delete me now , im done with the childish gossip and sick of people starting on one person then getting bored or told to go away then they go find someone else to slink around behind , i will NOT be part of this .. PISS OFF, you dont know half of what you think you do , your head is too far up your backside to even listen and find out what is ACTUALLY going on.

To eveybody else , im sorry , this blog is for me to say how i feel and right now im about to blow a fuse , everything is getting to be too much and im feeling ovewhelmed.

thank you to all of my friends , thank you for being here for me and my Angels , luve you all <3<3

.

I am missing all of my babies so much , every little thing is a massive task and i dont know what to say to people anymore , don't want to bring others down and whenever i feel like i want to talk about the twins , it hurts too much and i try to push it away and think about something else, feel horrible , i love them so much but it hurts.

Still sore and exhausted and have physical things going on and want to curl up somewhere until it stops and even after it does.

I feel overwhelmed x hoping tommorow is slightly easier to deal with x

land of nod

too tired to think today , achy and exhausted , goign to lie down , take care everyone xox

<3 Rillee <3 Horowai <3 Payton <3 Savannah <3 & <3 Gabrielle <3

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

To myself or with everyone else's egos?

I wonder if it is easier to keep things to myself , easier to keep how i feel and keep my Angels to myself , self preservation is kicking in. What people think of me does matter and its hard to talk about some things.

I am proud of all of my Angels , they are my children and i Love them more than anything.
I am not liking the attitude around me though and am unsure what to do next , it seems that if i speak of some things , people run away or think nasty things about me without knowing the full story and this upsets me.

Dont know what to think about anything anymore, am feeling numb but it is starting to wear off and i can feel my anxiety bubbling under the surface. My children are gone , my girls are gone , i didnt get a lot of time with them and i so so wish i had more time to enjoy them . I miss all of my Angels and i am heartbroken that i wont get to hold any of them , i wont get to hug and kiss them like i so desperatly want to :(

Thinking that curling up in a corner sounds appealing , shut my eyes and hope time goes quickly so i can see my babies . <3
Achey and exhausted , going back to bed i think x

fb

I am getting so fed up with facebook, there is always someone with far too much time in their hands, moaning and trouble stirring, it honesly getting pathetic and iv had about enough now. A good example is the other day , i posted on my facebook page that i was pregnant only to have someone send me a nasty message calling me a slut . WHAT?!?!?!? Some people think they know everything about everyone when they know so much less. I dont oew anybody anything and i dont deserve to be treated like that , doesnt matter how pathetic are or how horrible they feel. HELLO you dont know everything!

I love my children and i will keep talking about them, i will keep sharing them and will keep being me despite nasty people who so desperatly need to make someone else feel low because they do.

I am only a breathe away from closing my facebook profiles , the santa profile included and yes i am running the santa thejollyfatman profile. Im sick of seeing it and now being included in it without consent. You have no right to assume anything and would do well to remmember that you are not the centre of the universe nor do you have the rights to spread things that are untrue. I am only writing this post because im done with the rubbish thats flying around and because i am still upset with people and their big egos :(


<3 Rillee <3 Horowai <3 Payton <3 Savannah <3 Gabrielle <3

Monday, March 8, 2010

No words to describe how i am feeling, found out i was carrying twins only days ago, and now they are gone .. nothing to describe it x

Savannah <3 Gabrielle <3 My twin princesses <3
8.3.2010 9 weeks gestation

Savannah at check was 21 mm long and heartrate 162bpm
Gabrielle at check was 18 mm long and heartrate 158bpm

x
Savannah Dana Cherish Maidens & Gabrielle Mary Maidens 8/3/10

Sunday, March 7, 2010

my twin princesses

yesterday i posted on facebook telling everybody i am pregnant , when i did i was in pain , shooting pains up and down my back. Last night it got worse so i went for an emergency scan to check if baby was ok and found out i am pregnant with twins. I have never been so surprised and excited and anxious in my life. Two babies wow. :)
was sore throught the night and today it has got worse, my back ,leg and side are really bad and i started bleeding. I have been to the doctor and had an exam and am loosing the twins , not a matter of if , just a matter of when .

They are 8 weeks gestation
and i have felt all along that baby was a girl , i still feel the same and i think that they are both girls , mummy intuition i guess you can say.

<3 savannah dana cherish & gabrielle mary <3 my twin princesses <3 <3

Saturday, March 6, 2010

hmm

Hi all,
havent posted in a while. i have been flat out and dealing with some things. So many things have been happening , the most important is that i am pregnant . I need to just say that i didnt think ( being nieve me ) that i could concieve shortly after a m/c , as in one week after :-/ but it turns out that even though its not a regular occurance for people , it CAN happen and now i find myself approx 8 weeks pregnant , not even two months after losing Payton. I have been finding it so hard to deal with but am trying to make the most of it , i am so scared that something is going to go wrong but am trying to push it to the back of my mind and enjoy baby , every dash to the toilet due to morning sickness, every chocolate bar i HAVE to eat :D every ach and pain means that baby is ok.

I wasnt going to tell anybody yet for a few reasons , number one im afraid i will lose my baby as i have with my three Angels and didnt want to have to explain it to anybody , number two , i was afraid of what people would think of me , i was afraid people would think of me differently for getting pregnant so soon after Payton , its not something you hear about everyday and society doesnt like all sorts of things. I was afraid that people would think i was trying to replace my Angels , but i would never do that.
All people do need to know is that i am pregnant and that i love my baby more than i love myself and always will.
so any prayers people could spare for us would be appreciated , my baby needs to stay put and be born healthy <3

On another note , I have a strong feeling baby is a girl :D :D intuition :D if im right ( im 99% sure i am ) then her name is Savannah and if my counting is correct then she is due around oct 10th. Will know when iv been back to the doc for all my bits and peices and when i have a scan.

so thats my news and the main reason iv been taking time out , im back now and hope to update quite a bit now i am , hope everyone is well

xoxoxxoox

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

grr

Woke up irritated and am going to bed the same, not got any better as the day has gone on , possibly the forum i have been reading is not such a good idea , dont know

will update properly in the next few days

nite xx

Sunday, February 21, 2010

I havent been on in a while but will update later today xx




Angel Baby community is raising founds to print 1st edition of AB keepsake booklets for the distribution to the maternity hospitals . We need your help to make this happen .We as, community truly believe that these books are so needed right across the globe and AB is about bringing a change to support parents need right than and there ♥

The initial cost of $1570 for 3000 books requires a further $150 for every next 1000 books to be printed .
One booklet will cost AUD$0.65 ♥ 10 booklets $AUD6.50 ♥

Just think , if you can spare a cost of a cup of coffee , you will help to support 4 - 6 angel families , for the cost of any lunch fast food meal ? 10 - 14 families will receive not only a keepsake but the link to the support , link to our community . When a child grows their angel wings , the feeling of isolation is a overwhelming. Our youngest angel is 5 weeks gestation , oldest is 8 years of age . Together as community ,we can make a difference.


Every donor will receive an electronic certificate of appreciation ♥ your Precious Angel or Angels will be listed in the Loving Memory of page on AB site ♥ ♥ Memorial

* How to make a payment :

* go to your paypal account

* send money

* email address

* support@ourangelbaby.org

* choose GIFT as payment option ( no charges deducted of your donation )

* and add amount you wish to donate ...in comments please add your dedication for your Precious Angel ♥ so we can update the Memorials page with his / her name ♥

* approximate exchange rates :USD$5.00 = AUD$6.00 * AUD$5.oo =CAD$ 6.00 AUD$5.00 = GBP 3.90

* AB keepsake booklets will have a full colour cover , black and white A5 internal pages

* Inside cover


Certificate of Life

Name: ________________________

Precious child of
____________________________

Born on: ____________________________

Time: ____________

Place: _________________________

Weight: ______________ Length: ____________

Head circumference: ____________

Delivered by: _______________________


* 2nd page special paper for imprints * Your precious child’s Hand and feet ink prints*

* pages 3 through 5 your wishes and wisdom form Time with your Angel page on our website x

* 6 blank pages to write the memories


Thank you for your support , every book will make an impact , every donation will make a difference , no matter how small . Please copy and post this post to your blogs and word-press .

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

One month my tiny man

One month today Payton grew Angel wings and im not doing so well, im tired and down. Keep bursting into tears , i did fall asleep last night , but woke up about 20 minutes later holding my tummy , and at first thought i was still pregnant, when i was awake properly and realised im not it was like a knife turning in my chest and i had to get up to throw up, high anxiety today and im not sure what to do with myself.

April is coming up fast, with rillee's 1 year Angelversary and Horowai's Edd and the closer it gets to these days the more anxious and down i feel. I am missing them a lot, knowing that i should be holding Rillee and that i should also be very pregnant with bubba , AND that i should be pregnanat with Payton is making my head spin and my chest ache.

Wish my body hadnt failed my babys and myself, And it did , im not an idiot, i know it has to be me. Three babys in a row cant be a coincedence , i am the thing that stayed the same, two dads for three babys and me. Im not stupid :( and on the other hand i dont want to be going to the doctor yet to "explore" anything, i just want my children, not future children, this is not my problem, i want my Angels , i want my children who i have already failed :(( i want to be able to have them here or to see them for even a minute so i could tell them how much i love them , and tell them im sorry , to see for myself that they are safe and ok.

Trying to decide whether i should just crawl back into bed and pull the blankets over my head


<3 Payton <3
<3 Rillee <3
<3 Horowai <3

Monday, February 1, 2010

...

haven't posted in a while so thought i should.

lots of thing going on and hard to explain some of them, but i am feeling very drained and emotional, even the smallest thing set me off in either a angry meltdown or an anxious , crying one.

Not sure if im here or there, up or down.

missing my babys a lot , Payton has been an Angel for 22 days now and im struggling to find the "good" side of anything

have had a few days where all i have wanted is to be with my babys, i never do anything , but sometimes i wish i had the courage, some would say its a good thing i dont.. so i guess im stuck here for however long , doing whatever until one day things might pick up or God might give me a bit of grace and leave me be.

I am so greatful to my good friends , who have been helping me stay afloat lately, especially my adopted siamese twin , love you <3 thank you <3 ((((( <3 ))))



<3 Rillee <3 Horowai <3 Payton <3

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

A maze with an end or one without?

Right now i feel like im wandering around inside a giant maze which seems to have no exit, lost and lethargic , wondering what is around the corner , wondering how i can get out and see the outside of myself, my head is full of so many thoughts, my heart is aching for my children and i am unsure what to do next.

" A person is a person no matter how small " (dr suess)

Saturday, January 23, 2010

what i wish

I wish i could be with you <3 :(

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

...........................Payton .................

Today is 10 days my little man :( i hope you know how much mummy loves you :(( <3

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

.....

Changed the ticker to memorial, need to cry for my baby, but cant , am not with Payton's father anymore, its just me and my three Angels. I dont have words to properly describe what i think of him now ..

Feel numb and dont feel worthy anymore, I want to sink throught the floor or curl up in a corner x

<3 Payton <3 Rillee <3 Horowai <3

Saturday, January 16, 2010

ticking away

i cant even bring myself to change the pregnancy ticker at the top of this blog from pregnant to Angel. Want to cry but cant, feel numb.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

What now..

I am exhausted, physically , emotionaly drained, just want to go back to bed. Still feel numb and since i had a cry with one of my good freinds the other day, i have nt been able to cry for my little man, i have no energy to do anything. Need to do things at home now i am here so am slowly getting through my chores, rather be asleep :(

<3 Payton <3 four days an Angel 10/1/2010
<3 Rillee <3 5 /4 09
<3 Horowai <3 11/9/09

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

nothing

I dont know how to describe how i feel. i really only have one word, lost ..

Monday, January 11, 2010

Heavens new Angel baby <3

Last night i lost my Angel Payton,
today i am .... i dont even know, in a way i think u could say .. numb, some of today has been like im watching from somewhere else, not from me, like its not just happened to me.I have walked around and done the usual things, just at a slower pace. Some of today , i have no description for, and some i have felt my blood starting to bubble, my heart beating so fast it hurt, anxious, a few times i have cried, but not a lot, i am scared if i let myself get upset i wont stop. Everything has happened so fast i dont know where i am, from finding out i was pregnant , to being told we were losing him , to him leaving me, was such a short time, i keep hoping its not happened, even though i know it has.
Paytons dad bought our Angel some things yesterday , because i have been feeling Payton is a boy, he bought blue things, they are georgouse, but i looked at them maybe twice and cant even go to look at them now, i get to the door of my bedroom and cant move. Bubs godfather made him some things and took beautiful pictures, i cant look at them, a good freind made me something for all three of my Angels, i cant look at it for too long. I want to , i just cant.

I was going to write so mch more, but now im doing it, i am not feeling able to write any more.

<3 Payton <3 10/01/2010 <3

Sunday, January 10, 2010

<3 Payton <3

I nearly came to post last night, to talk about what i hoped for my baby, that i hoped my Angels were watching over us. Now i need to ask instead that the girls look after Payton for me when they meet.
I am losing my baby, there is nothing that can be done to stop it. I have been checked and they have said it will happen, it is happening, my baby is leaving me . I am sitting here waiting and it is not a nice feeling, i want to cry but i cant, its not happening , instead i am sitting here not feeling like me, i dont know what to think or say. In a way i want it to be overm but in another way i dont. I dont understand why, my body is failing me and my baby, again .. Please keep my youngest baby Payton in your thoughts as my girls wait to meet their sibling ..

Friday, January 8, 2010

New beginnings

I havent been posting for a while, so thought i would come and say hi. So Christmas was hard, hard not having my mum and so hard knowing that i should be holding Rillee and that would have been her first christmas with me . With the help of all my friends i did it , i got through it and came out the other side.

So much has happened since my last post. I found myself getting closer to an already very close friend , a total shock to both of us, you always hear , "that it only takes once" well, this is the situation we have found ourselves in of late, we have recently found out that we are 5 weeks pregnant <3 and as far as we can tell, it is from our first shall we call it .. "improptue date" He is so gentle and caring and i have to stop sometimes and wonder how i could not see that he has been right here the whole time.

The only way to try and explain how i am feeling is to say that i am .. Happy/anxious/excited/sad/overjoyed and terrified. I am afraid that something will go wrong, that i will not be allowed to keep my rainbow baby, as happened with the girls. Noone knows why things happen and why our babys are taken from us, i suppose all we can do is pray that we will be allowed the chance to finally hold our babies in our arms and to protect them. I am able to be positive, but every once in a while, the anxiety creeps in hitting me at any given moment, i have been crying for my smallest Angel a lot , only months ago i lost her and i am feeling a little like a trator, i have made the mistake of not using my head when i should have and now i am pregnant again.

I hope and pray that my girls are happy and safe and that they are here with me , i need them now, i need them to watch over us and send us lots of love.


<3 <3 Rillee <3 <3 Horowai <3 <3 Baby Payton <3 <3