Sunday, March 28, 2010

Rillee

It coming up to Rillee's Day , on the 5th April it will be her one year Angelversry , the closer it get the harder it is getting :( not even sure what to say about anything or what to say to anyone anymore, its taking everything i have, all my strength to even go about my day with some sort of calm and smile , i have to do it , i have to be ok around people , so i wait until night when everyone else is asleep and then the tears roll down my face for the rest of the night :( like now , it is about 140am and once again im crying and cant find a way to stop xx i will update in a few days xx

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

i dont know what to write to explain how im feeling, Rillee's 1year Angelversary is coming up and so is Horowai's EDD

<3 <3

Friday, March 19, 2010

struggling :( xx

<3 Rillee <3 Horowai <3 Payton <3 Savannah <3 Gabrielle <3

Thursday, March 18, 2010

I can say , i am not doing well :( CAn hardly drag myself out of bed , no appetite and lost a bit of weight already , cant be bothered with anything , cant cry , just feel depressed , cant make myself go to the doctor , that officially in the too hard basket. Another family member with cancer passed away not quite a week ago , my Angels and him in one week may just be too much. Might just crawl back into bed and not deal with anything . will update another day x


<3 Rillee <3 Horowai <3 Payton <3 Savannah <3 Gabrielle <3

Friday, March 12, 2010

I am trying so hard to hold it together , my family still know nothing and i cant handle them as well. It feels like something bubbling under the surface and every once in a while a tear escapes , i wipe it away and suck it up and wait till noone is around. just feel so miserable and just cant be bothered anymore. I just want my Angels with me

<3 Rillee <3 Horowai <3 Payton <3 Savannah <3 Gabrielle <3

Thursday, March 11, 2010

blank ..

No words for how i feel today

<3 Rillee <3 Horowai <3 Payton <3 Savannah <3 Gabrielle <3

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

my vent .... get a hobby!!!!

Why is it that when people get bored they go looking for someone to wind up? Why do people act big and mighty while they are sneaking around being idiots? People seriously need to get hobbies , because something doesnt fit YOUR picture doesnt mean you have the right to go around calling other people sluts and questioning them ! Its RUDE , anyone from facebook who is reading this and does have a problem with me , delete me now , im done with the childish gossip and sick of people starting on one person then getting bored or told to go away then they go find someone else to slink around behind , i will NOT be part of this .. PISS OFF, you dont know half of what you think you do , your head is too far up your backside to even listen and find out what is ACTUALLY going on.

To eveybody else , im sorry , this blog is for me to say how i feel and right now im about to blow a fuse , everything is getting to be too much and im feeling ovewhelmed.

thank you to all of my friends , thank you for being here for me and my Angels , luve you all <3<3

.

I am missing all of my babies so much , every little thing is a massive task and i dont know what to say to people anymore , don't want to bring others down and whenever i feel like i want to talk about the twins , it hurts too much and i try to push it away and think about something else, feel horrible , i love them so much but it hurts.

Still sore and exhausted and have physical things going on and want to curl up somewhere until it stops and even after it does.

I feel overwhelmed x hoping tommorow is slightly easier to deal with x

land of nod

too tired to think today , achy and exhausted , goign to lie down , take care everyone xox

<3 Rillee <3 Horowai <3 Payton <3 Savannah <3 & <3 Gabrielle <3

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

To myself or with everyone else's egos?

I wonder if it is easier to keep things to myself , easier to keep how i feel and keep my Angels to myself , self preservation is kicking in. What people think of me does matter and its hard to talk about some things.

I am proud of all of my Angels , they are my children and i Love them more than anything.
I am not liking the attitude around me though and am unsure what to do next , it seems that if i speak of some things , people run away or think nasty things about me without knowing the full story and this upsets me.

Dont know what to think about anything anymore, am feeling numb but it is starting to wear off and i can feel my anxiety bubbling under the surface. My children are gone , my girls are gone , i didnt get a lot of time with them and i so so wish i had more time to enjoy them . I miss all of my Angels and i am heartbroken that i wont get to hold any of them , i wont get to hug and kiss them like i so desperatly want to :(

Thinking that curling up in a corner sounds appealing , shut my eyes and hope time goes quickly so i can see my babies . <3
Achey and exhausted , going back to bed i think x

fb

I am getting so fed up with facebook, there is always someone with far too much time in their hands, moaning and trouble stirring, it honesly getting pathetic and iv had about enough now. A good example is the other day , i posted on my facebook page that i was pregnant only to have someone send me a nasty message calling me a slut . WHAT?!?!?!? Some people think they know everything about everyone when they know so much less. I dont oew anybody anything and i dont deserve to be treated like that , doesnt matter how pathetic are or how horrible they feel. HELLO you dont know everything!

I love my children and i will keep talking about them, i will keep sharing them and will keep being me despite nasty people who so desperatly need to make someone else feel low because they do.

I am only a breathe away from closing my facebook profiles , the santa profile included and yes i am running the santa thejollyfatman profile. Im sick of seeing it and now being included in it without consent. You have no right to assume anything and would do well to remmember that you are not the centre of the universe nor do you have the rights to spread things that are untrue. I am only writing this post because im done with the rubbish thats flying around and because i am still upset with people and their big egos :(


<3 Rillee <3 Horowai <3 Payton <3 Savannah <3 Gabrielle <3

Monday, March 8, 2010

No words to describe how i am feeling, found out i was carrying twins only days ago, and now they are gone .. nothing to describe it x

Savannah <3 Gabrielle <3 My twin princesses <3
8.3.2010 9 weeks gestation

Savannah at check was 21 mm long and heartrate 162bpm
Gabrielle at check was 18 mm long and heartrate 158bpm

x
Savannah Dana Cherish Maidens & Gabrielle Mary Maidens 8/3/10

Sunday, March 7, 2010

my twin princesses

yesterday i posted on facebook telling everybody i am pregnant , when i did i was in pain , shooting pains up and down my back. Last night it got worse so i went for an emergency scan to check if baby was ok and found out i am pregnant with twins. I have never been so surprised and excited and anxious in my life. Two babies wow. :)
was sore throught the night and today it has got worse, my back ,leg and side are really bad and i started bleeding. I have been to the doctor and had an exam and am loosing the twins , not a matter of if , just a matter of when .

They are 8 weeks gestation
and i have felt all along that baby was a girl , i still feel the same and i think that they are both girls , mummy intuition i guess you can say.

<3 savannah dana cherish & gabrielle mary <3 my twin princesses <3 <3

Saturday, March 6, 2010

hmm

Hi all,
havent posted in a while. i have been flat out and dealing with some things. So many things have been happening , the most important is that i am pregnant . I need to just say that i didnt think ( being nieve me ) that i could concieve shortly after a m/c , as in one week after :-/ but it turns out that even though its not a regular occurance for people , it CAN happen and now i find myself approx 8 weeks pregnant , not even two months after losing Payton. I have been finding it so hard to deal with but am trying to make the most of it , i am so scared that something is going to go wrong but am trying to push it to the back of my mind and enjoy baby , every dash to the toilet due to morning sickness, every chocolate bar i HAVE to eat :D every ach and pain means that baby is ok.

I wasnt going to tell anybody yet for a few reasons , number one im afraid i will lose my baby as i have with my three Angels and didnt want to have to explain it to anybody , number two , i was afraid of what people would think of me , i was afraid people would think of me differently for getting pregnant so soon after Payton , its not something you hear about everyday and society doesnt like all sorts of things. I was afraid that people would think i was trying to replace my Angels , but i would never do that.
All people do need to know is that i am pregnant and that i love my baby more than i love myself and always will.
so any prayers people could spare for us would be appreciated , my baby needs to stay put and be born healthy <3

On another note , I have a strong feeling baby is a girl :D :D intuition :D if im right ( im 99% sure i am ) then her name is Savannah and if my counting is correct then she is due around oct 10th. Will know when iv been back to the doc for all my bits and peices and when i have a scan.

so thats my news and the main reason iv been taking time out , im back now and hope to update quite a bit now i am , hope everyone is well

xoxoxxoox