One month today Payton grew Angel wings and im not doing so well, im tired and down. Keep bursting into tears , i did fall asleep last night , but woke up about 20 minutes later holding my tummy , and at first thought i was still pregnant, when i was awake properly and realised im not it was like a knife turning in my chest and i had to get up to throw up, high anxiety today and im not sure what to do with myself.
April is coming up fast, with rillee's 1 year Angelversary and Horowai's Edd and the closer it gets to these days the more anxious and down i feel. I am missing them a lot, knowing that i should be holding Rillee and that i should also be very pregnant with bubba , AND that i should be pregnanat with Payton is making my head spin and my chest ache.
Wish my body hadnt failed my babys and myself, And it did , im not an idiot, i know it has to be me. Three babys in a row cant be a coincedence , i am the thing that stayed the same, two dads for three babys and me. Im not stupid :( and on the other hand i dont want to be going to the doctor yet to "explore" anything, i just want my children, not future children, this is not my problem, i want my Angels , i want my children who i have already failed :(( i want to be able to have them here or to see them for even a minute so i could tell them how much i love them , and tell them im sorry , to see for myself that they are safe and ok.
Trying to decide whether i should just crawl back into bed and pull the blankets over my head
<3 Payton <3
<3 Rillee <3
<3 Horowai <3
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I am going to keep you in my prayers. I can't imagine what you are going thru. I wish there was more I could do.
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