A maze with an end or one without?

Right now i feel like im wandering around inside a giant maze which seems to have no exit, lost and lethargic , wondering what is around the corner , wondering how i can get out and see the outside of myself, my head is full of so many thoughts, my heart is aching for my children and i am unsure what to do next.

" A person is a person no matter how small " (dr suess)

what i wish

I wish i could be with you <3 :(

...........................Payton .................

Today is 10 days my little man :( i hope you know how much mummy loves you :(( <3

.....

Changed the ticker to memorial, need to cry for my baby, but cant , am not with Payton's father anymore, its just me and my three Angels. I dont have words to properly describe what i think of him now ..

Feel numb and dont feel worthy anymore, I want to sink throught the floor or curl up in a corner x

<3 Payton <3 Rillee <3 Horowai <3

ticking away

i cant even bring myself to change the pregnancy ticker at the top of this blog from pregnant to Angel. Want to cry but cant, feel numb.

What now..

I am exhausted, physically , emotionaly drained, just want to go back to bed. Still feel numb and since i had a cry with one of my good freinds the other day, i have nt been able to cry for my little man, i have no energy to do anything. Need to do things at home now i am here so am slowly getting through my chores, rather be asleep :(

<3 Payton <3 four days an Angel 10/1/2010
<3 Rillee <3 5 /4 09
<3 Horowai <3 11/9/09

nothing

I dont know how to describe how i feel. i really only have one word, lost ..

Heavens new Angel baby <3

Last night i lost my Angel Payton,
today i am .... i dont even know, in a way i think u could say .. numb, some of today has been like im watching from somewhere else, not from me, like its not just happened to me.I have walked around and done the usual things, just at a slower pace. Some of today , i have no description for, and some i have felt my blood starting to bubble, my heart beating so fast it hurt, anxious, a few times i have cried, but not a lot, i am scared if i let myself get upset i wont stop. Everything has happened so fast i dont know where i am, from finding out i was pregnant , to being told we were losing him , to him leaving me, was such a short time, i keep hoping its not happened, even though i know it has.
Paytons dad bought our Angel some things yesterday , because i have been feeling Payton is a boy, he bought blue things, they are georgouse, but i looked at them maybe twice and cant even go to look at them now, i get to the door of my bedroom and cant move. Bubs godfather made him some things and took beautiful pictures, i cant look at them, a good freind made me something for all three of my Angels, i cant look at it for too long. I want to , i just cant.

I was going to write so mch more, but now im doing it, i am not feeling able to write any more.

<3 Payton <3 10/01/2010 <3

<3 Payton <3

I nearly came to post last night, to talk about what i hoped for my baby, that i hoped my Angels were watching over us. Now i need to ask instead that the girls look after Payton for me when they meet.
I am losing my baby, there is nothing that can be done to stop it. I have been checked and they have said it will happen, it is happening, my baby is leaving me . I am sitting here waiting and it is not a nice feeling, i want to cry but i cant, its not happening , instead i am sitting here not feeling like me, i dont know what to think or say. In a way i want it to be overm but in another way i dont. I dont understand why, my body is failing me and my baby, again .. Please keep my youngest baby Payton in your thoughts as my girls wait to meet their sibling ..

New beginnings

I havent been posting for a while, so thought i would come and say hi. So Christmas was hard, hard not having my mum and so hard knowing that i should be holding Rillee and that would have been her first christmas with me . With the help of all my friends i did it , i got through it and came out the other side.

So much has happened since my last post. I found myself getting closer to an already very close friend , a total shock to both of us, you always hear , "that it only takes once" well, this is the situation we have found ourselves in of late, we have recently found out that we are 5 weeks pregnant <3 and as far as we can tell, it is from our first shall we call it .. "improptue date" He is so gentle and caring and i have to stop sometimes and wonder how i could not see that he has been right here the whole time.

The only way to try and explain how i am feeling is to say that i am .. Happy/anxious/excited/sad/overjoyed and terrified. I am afraid that something will go wrong, that i will not be allowed to keep my rainbow baby, as happened with the girls. Noone knows why things happen and why our babys are taken from us, i suppose all we can do is pray that we will be allowed the chance to finally hold our babies in our arms and to protect them. I am able to be positive, but every once in a while, the anxiety creeps in hitting me at any given moment, i have been crying for my smallest Angel a lot , only months ago i lost her and i am feeling a little like a trator, i have made the mistake of not using my head when i should have and now i am pregnant again.

I hope and pray that my girls are happy and safe and that they are here with me , i need them now, i need them to watch over us and send us lots of love.


<3 <3 Rillee <3 <3 Horowai <3 <3 Baby Payton <3 <3