New beginnings

I havent been posting for a while, so thought i would come and say hi. So Christmas was hard, hard not having my mum and so hard knowing that i should be holding Rillee and that would have been her first christmas with me . With the help of all my friends i did it , i got through it and came out the other side.

So much has happened since my last post. I found myself getting closer to an already very close friend , a total shock to both of us, you always hear , "that it only takes once" well, this is the situation we have found ourselves in of late, we have recently found out that we are 5 weeks pregnant <3 and as far as we can tell, it is from our first shall we call it .. "improptue date" He is so gentle and caring and i have to stop sometimes and wonder how i could not see that he has been right here the whole time.

The only way to try and explain how i am feeling is to say that i am .. Happy/anxious/excited/sad/overjoyed and terrified. I am afraid that something will go wrong, that i will not be allowed to keep my rainbow baby, as happened with the girls. Noone knows why things happen and why our babys are taken from us, i suppose all we can do is pray that we will be allowed the chance to finally hold our babies in our arms and to protect them. I am able to be positive, but every once in a while, the anxiety creeps in hitting me at any given moment, i have been crying for my smallest Angel a lot , only months ago i lost her and i am feeling a little like a trator, i have made the mistake of not using my head when i should have and now i am pregnant again.

I hope and pray that my girls are happy and safe and that they are here with me , i need them now, i need them to watch over us and send us lots of love.


<3 <3 Rillee <3 <3 Horowai <3 <3 Baby Payton <3 <3