Will this ever end? I am exhausted but cant sleep, i am miserable and cant make it stop, i dont know what to do with myself and have been wandering around doing notn much of anything for days, a crying zombie, i am running on empty and dont know how much longer i can do it, sooner or later my body has to give out surely, sooner or later i will fall asleep. I am forgetting things and am aching, im exhausted :( I just want to feel ok. I miss my smallest baby so much, i still 10 weeks later hold my breathe waiting for her to move, for a sign of anything , and nothing, the most i get is tears when i realise its not going to happen .
Will it ever stop? :(
xx
<3 my anahera pepe <3
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Monday, November 23, 2009
lately...
Havent posted much lately, i still have not slept much , if at all. I am exhausted and feeling very down. My youngest Angel grew her wings 10 weeks ago, but it only feels like yesterday, well no, it feels like today and im struggling to stay afloat.
Am not sure how much longer i can keep this up, i just want to curl up and dissapear more and more, this feeling isnt going away anym ore, before it was just on occasion i felt this bad, now it is constant.... 24/7
If i could just have them back t his would all go away, i would be ok , instead i say "im fine" when im not, and i try to seem ok, just niot doing a very good job lately :( There is no instruction book for this, nothing to tell me what to do and how to make this pain go away, it never will, i just hope that one day it will not be so bad as it is now. I suppose its because 10 weeks is not a long time, its only 2 1/2 months , im not sure, but i do know that this is geting too hard and i am too tired, tired isnt even the word anymore, exhausted is closer, but still doesnt feel right. Nothin g does right now
<3 <3 <3 mummy loves and misses you so much my little babys :'( <3 <3 <3
Am not sure how much longer i can keep this up, i just want to curl up and dissapear more and more, this feeling isnt going away anym ore, before it was just on occasion i felt this bad, now it is constant.... 24/7
If i could just have them back t his would all go away, i would be ok , instead i say "im fine" when im not, and i try to seem ok, just niot doing a very good job lately :( There is no instruction book for this, nothing to tell me what to do and how to make this pain go away, it never will, i just hope that one day it will not be so bad as it is now. I suppose its because 10 weeks is not a long time, its only 2 1/2 months , im not sure, but i do know that this is geting too hard and i am too tired, tired isnt even the word anymore, exhausted is closer, but still doesnt feel right. Nothin g does right now
<3 <3 <3 mummy loves and misses you so much my little babys :'( <3 <3 <3
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Till now
Havent had the energy lately to post anything so thought i should come and leave an entry, still havent slept much adn am exhausted, had doctors appointment but couldnt be bothered going so have to make a new one, am aching and forgetting things and having trouble finding the motivation to do anything :(
I think i need to find a way to sleep with no nightmares, the nightmares is why i wont sleep, i dont want to see these things, i want to sleep with no bad dreams, i just dont know how.
Thinking i am depressed as the doctor thought :( i have anti-depressant but i dont think they are doing anything so need to ask when i go back, am feeling worse not better
hope everyone is well
xxooxx
I think i need to find a way to sleep with no nightmares, the nightmares is why i wont sleep, i dont want to see these things, i want to sleep with no bad dreams, i just dont know how.
Thinking i am depressed as the doctor thought :( i have anti-depressant but i dont think they are doing anything so need to ask when i go back, am feeling worse not better
hope everyone is well
xxooxx
Thursday, November 19, 2009
...........
Am exausted, spent the rest of the night sitting on the sofa staring at the tv screen, not even watchng, would no t have a clue what was on. Cnt think properly, achy and sore and tired
x
x
To shake or not to shake?
Its after 230am and im so so tired , am exhausted and sore and having trouble thinking stright and even holding my head up, its been resting in my hand for a while, trying to stay awake, i am scared to fall alsleep, to close my eyes.. these ngihtmares are terrifying adn i really cannot handle them at the moment not the way i feel already , trying to find an easy way to amuse myself , something that doesnt need much effort :(
nite x
nite x
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
A herd of mooo's
Had fun last night with two good friends, mucking around and just being silly sometimes can do a lot of good, not worrying what everyone else will think and say is great. little did i know that while i was busy with our little laugh fest, my friends were doing something else for me which made me smile , it came at a good time , thank you <3
Am suppose to be going out today, to the library to take back some books which are due, but i cant. Earlier last night i went out to a presentation, i saw someone i know but havent seen for years sitting on a chair watching the goings on, all of this was fine, until is sawwhat she was holding , a baby, i new baby , dressed in pink and wrapped in a pink blanket... it was instant, like a bolt of lightning.. i got hot, sweaty, statred shaking and crying an hyperventilating, thought my lungs were going t o explode , i had to leave.. i went outside, but to get there i had to walk past a room full of people in the middle of a speech, they had all seen me by then, i guess i wasnt hard to miss :( I was so embarrassed, i still am.
I dont know if i can face the risk of that happening again, not at the moment anyway, i dont know whats wrong with me lately, everything has been so much harder and so much worse than it has been. I thought i was doing ok, with my groups and the site, but now, for some reason , everything is falling apart and i dont know how to pick up the pieces, t just seems to get harder every day.
last night, about 25 minute sleep, i cant face falling asleep and having the nightmares, so havent had more than an hour and a half max fa night for the last week, i am exhausted, forgetting things, am haevy and tired and sore. Am waiting for my doctors appointment, hopefully he can help somehow. this is not good, has taken me two hours to work on this post (thank godness for spell check and one other thing on the blog.
This is me for now
take acare all
xxooxx
Am suppose to be going out today, to the library to take back some books which are due, but i cant. Earlier last night i went out to a presentation, i saw someone i know but havent seen for years sitting on a chair watching the goings on, all of this was fine, until is sawwhat she was holding , a baby, i new baby , dressed in pink and wrapped in a pink blanket... it was instant, like a bolt of lightning.. i got hot, sweaty, statred shaking and crying an hyperventilating, thought my lungs were going t o explode , i had to leave.. i went outside, but to get there i had to walk past a room full of people in the middle of a speech, they had all seen me by then, i guess i wasnt hard to miss :( I was so embarrassed, i still am.
I dont know if i can face the risk of that happening again, not at the moment anyway, i dont know whats wrong with me lately, everything has been so much harder and so much worse than it has been. I thought i was doing ok, with my groups and the site, but now, for some reason , everything is falling apart and i dont know how to pick up the pieces, t just seems to get harder every day.
last night, about 25 minute sleep, i cant face falling asleep and having the nightmares, so havent had more than an hour and a half max fa night for the last week, i am exhausted, forgetting things, am haevy and tired and sore. Am waiting for my doctors appointment, hopefully he can help somehow. this is not good, has taken me two hours to work on this post (thank godness for spell check and one other thing on the blog.
This is me for now
take acare all
xxooxx
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
and the point is?
Wondering what is the point of trying, what is the point of getting on with a day .. just what is the point of everything .. I just love, miss and want to see my girls .... Going to lie down
and now...
Am still tired , hvent been able to bring myself to go to sleep and face the nightmares for the last 3 or 4 days, an hour a night at teh most , am so ruha (exhaustted) and finding it hard to think straight , have an appointment at the dotors later in the week , so am hanging on until then, takeing a long time to even post this. I think Angel mums can survive on little sleep just as shift works ect can, only some Angel mums cant sleep and then instead of sleeping during the day, they carry on and the next nigh t .. same thing . every night, no sleep, evntually it will be too much i understand, and you have to sleep, sooner or later, im asuming i will crash eventualy and sleep .. i hope so, maybe if i am that tired, i will not have nightmares and will acutally sleep..hmm
xx
you are not alone, its ok to go to the doctor or someone.. anyone and tell them about nightmares adn/or not sleeping xox
xx
you are not alone, its ok to go to the doctor or someone.. anyone and tell them about nightmares adn/or not sleeping xox
Monday, November 16, 2009
like a bungy cord
I have been feeling a bit better the last few days, being surrounded by good, caring friends who i would do anything for. Friends who can make me smile through tears of pain. Wet smiles sometimes, but smiles. Thank you <3 <3
I have heard from many that grief is like a rollercoaster, one minute you can be up and the next you are down with no warning nor way to stop or slow it.
I have found this to be so true this year. I would describe it as .. like a bungy cord.. you are ok, and you get on one with things, you have a little slack from the pain , it doesnt go away, its there, but its not holding you as strongly. Then, it tightens, you can feel yourself tighten and very soon you can be wound tight, ready to snap at any moment, then the cord does snap back.. you are pulled back so fast you dont know what to do, the pain, the grief, the tears all come flooding back and there is not a thing you can do about it, only wait for it to stop.
Lately this has been happening to me more, i dont know why, i am not able to stop it.. Im fine and laughing and joking with friends and then suddenly everything tightens, my chest tightens, i shake , i cry and i panic even though there is no danger, nothing to fear. Panic attacks which can last a short time, or a long time, you never know which. Sometime i can slow them down, but lately this has been so difficult.
Today is an example.. I was looking at an online auction site, looking for a christmas present for the girls. I found two perfect gifts, two monkey soft toys.. perfect for my babys, i love them and when i found them i had no problems, they made me smile... the next time i went back to look at them it was instant .. my chest tighten and i couldnt catch my breath, i started to cry and couldnt stop, i was shaking and felt an overwheming sense of disaster, i was absolutly terrified, but unsure why and the longer it went on, the harder it got to stop, i couldnt, i tried.. i tried to breathe slowely , tried to count slowely, tried to stop the tears rolling down my face.. but i couldnt. I am so grateful that i was talking to two very close friends at the time, they both helped me to calm down, talking to me and just being there ... i did stop, it took a while and i am still a bit sore , but it went away. Thank you both xx <3 xx
I can only hope that tommorow will be a calm, relaxed, easy day.. if i could get off this rollercoaster i would, but for now, i guess its just a matter of riding it out and doing the best i can ...
I have heard from many that grief is like a rollercoaster, one minute you can be up and the next you are down with no warning nor way to stop or slow it.
I have found this to be so true this year. I would describe it as .. like a bungy cord.. you are ok, and you get on one with things, you have a little slack from the pain , it doesnt go away, its there, but its not holding you as strongly. Then, it tightens, you can feel yourself tighten and very soon you can be wound tight, ready to snap at any moment, then the cord does snap back.. you are pulled back so fast you dont know what to do, the pain, the grief, the tears all come flooding back and there is not a thing you can do about it, only wait for it to stop.
Lately this has been happening to me more, i dont know why, i am not able to stop it.. Im fine and laughing and joking with friends and then suddenly everything tightens, my chest tightens, i shake , i cry and i panic even though there is no danger, nothing to fear. Panic attacks which can last a short time, or a long time, you never know which. Sometime i can slow them down, but lately this has been so difficult.
Today is an example.. I was looking at an online auction site, looking for a christmas present for the girls. I found two perfect gifts, two monkey soft toys.. perfect for my babys, i love them and when i found them i had no problems, they made me smile... the next time i went back to look at them it was instant .. my chest tighten and i couldnt catch my breath, i started to cry and couldnt stop, i was shaking and felt an overwheming sense of disaster, i was absolutly terrified, but unsure why and the longer it went on, the harder it got to stop, i couldnt, i tried.. i tried to breathe slowely , tried to count slowely, tried to stop the tears rolling down my face.. but i couldnt. I am so grateful that i was talking to two very close friends at the time, they both helped me to calm down, talking to me and just being there ... i did stop, it took a while and i am still a bit sore , but it went away. Thank you both xx <3 xx
I can only hope that tommorow will be a calm, relaxed, easy day.. if i could get off this rollercoaster i would, but for now, i guess its just a matter of riding it out and doing the best i can ...
Sunday, November 15, 2009
omg my brain does work!
amazed at myself this afternoon :) had a lot of fun with some friends doing riddles and brain teasers :) was great , and i actually managed to do it ! feeling better than i was , smiled a lot more than i have the last few days which is great and its possible! :D now im so bored im looking to get into mischief :D, everyone ran away , think they are scared :D
nearly midnight , but i have plenty to do tonight, plenty of pages to make for Angels, so will keep busy doing that. Am still scared to sleep, so am counting down till eveyone gets up .....only 7 hours to go ...
take care all and thank you to everyone for this afternoon, has picked me up :)
xxooxx
nearly midnight , but i have plenty to do tonight, plenty of pages to make for Angels, so will keep busy doing that. Am still scared to sleep, so am counting down till eveyone gets up .....only 7 hours to go ...
take care all and thank you to everyone for this afternoon, has picked me up :)
xxooxx
Wake like you never fell asleep
Im tired and im so low i dont know if im going to be able to climb my way out of this ... hole i have have fallen into, Didnt sleep again, i am exhausted but i cannot deal with any nightmares at the moment, last night and early hours of this morning i sat cudling my Rillee monkey , in the dark, on my own, keeping myself awake. Not wanting to risk closing my eyes and seeing those things again. You may think im being silly, but these nightmares are so terrifying and i cant deal with it now. The sleeping pills have not worked to put me asleep enough to not have them.. what am i suppose to do? I dont know..
Am aching for my babys, i feel it from the top of my head to my toes, everything is tight and sore and i just miss them so badly. People may think that my girls where not that old, and i didnt have them at home for any amount of time, that they where not full term or that i didnt get to stay with Rillee and do all the things that i should have done and why am i feeling like this.. honestly i have a t times wondered myself...the girls, they are mine,they are a part of me , they are ME , when i lost them my heart was ripped apart not once but twice.. shattered into millions of tiny peices.
At home i keep my mouth shut, i just have to "get on with it" , not show how i realy feeling, not cry, not talk about it. But on the computer, when noone is looking i can say it, i can tell people how i feel, locking it up around family and friends here sometimes turns into physical pain, letting it out, is a little bit of relief. So thank you to everbody who listens to me and lets me say how i feel , even when you may be sick of hearing it :(
Right now, this moment, today .. I cant even find the motivation to go looking for people, i just want to curl up and cry for my girls, i want whoever parked this jetplane on my chest to move it so i can breathe, i want my babys back....
Am aching for my babys, i feel it from the top of my head to my toes, everything is tight and sore and i just miss them so badly. People may think that my girls where not that old, and i didnt have them at home for any amount of time, that they where not full term or that i didnt get to stay with Rillee and do all the things that i should have done and why am i feeling like this.. honestly i have a t times wondered myself...the girls, they are mine,they are a part of me , they are ME , when i lost them my heart was ripped apart not once but twice.. shattered into millions of tiny peices.
At home i keep my mouth shut, i just have to "get on with it" , not show how i realy feeling, not cry, not talk about it. But on the computer, when noone is looking i can say it, i can tell people how i feel, locking it up around family and friends here sometimes turns into physical pain, letting it out, is a little bit of relief. So thank you to everbody who listens to me and lets me say how i feel , even when you may be sick of hearing it :(
Right now, this moment, today .. I cant even find the motivation to go looking for people, i just want to curl up and cry for my girls, i want whoever parked this jetplane on my chest to move it so i can breathe, i want my babys back....
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Tidal wave
I dont understand it, i dont understand how i can be happy one minute, laughing and smiling and joking with good friends and then for no reason, this wave of .. pain and anxiety and desperation can just appear and wash over me, knocking me over and taking away anything i had found to smile about. I had such a good laugh, such a good afternoon and now i just feel down and miserable.. i feel like crying but i also feel i have run out of tears , like there is nothing there.. i dont know which feels worse, to cry or to not be able to... Miss my babys more than i can put ito words, my heart aches so badly there is no words for that either.... This is not fair, i just want my babys! i want to know why they are not here, why i could not carry them, why they left me, what do i do now? I cant even think of words to say how ill and anxious i feel right now, i just dont have any other way to put it...
Friends forever and always
Had a good afternoon thanks to my very special , loving friends, thank you all , talking to you and chatting to you helped me to feel better for a while and it was awsome :) you all have this gift, no matter how bad i feel, how down i am, you can make me smile , i may be crying at the time and they may be wet smiles, but they are smiles all the same, so thank you so very much, for all of you im posting this quote i love <3 <3
"A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart, and can sing it back to you when you forget the words"
(author unknown)
This is lovely and so true
I dont know where i would be without you all
xxooxx love u all forever and always xxooxx
"A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart, and can sing it back to you when you forget the words"
(author unknown)
This is lovely and so true
I dont know where i would be without you all
xxooxx love u all forever and always xxooxx
What to write and whether i can be bothered..
Just want to give up and dissapear .... i m exhausted and just dont want to d o this anymore, i just want all the pain and tears to go away...Want my girls back ...
Need to go and find someone to talk to .. :( need to compose myself before everyone is home for the day..
Need to go and find someone to talk to .. :( need to compose myself before everyone is home for the day..
when will the nightmares end
ok so im here, its 430am and im awake , im up because im afraid to sleep , i thought the nightmares had stopped , when i lost rillee i had nightmares, waking up crying and shaking and alone in the dark every night ... they stopped when i lost bubba, probably because i have hardly slept .. but in any case , in the middle of a pathetic two hours sleep, again a nighmare attacked me :(
This one was a new one, this one is different from all of the others.. this one is of me and both of my girls.. not just rillee like previous nightmares.. but both of them, It is horrible, its terrifying and i cant even breathe thinking about the possiblility if it happening again tonight.. or rather today
So instead i am awake, i am afraid to close my eyes in case i get these images of my babys in pain and me not able to help them, i am afraid of what i might see this time... i am so tired, buit am so scared im just here, so tired its hard to type and this post has taken me over half an hour, im exhausted but i am afraid..
I wish somebody could help me .....i cant keep doing this, friends are going to bed and others getting up in different countries all overe the place and i am still here......
This one was a new one, this one is different from all of the others.. this one is of me and both of my girls.. not just rillee like previous nightmares.. but both of them, It is horrible, its terrifying and i cant even breathe thinking about the possiblility if it happening again tonight.. or rather today
So instead i am awake, i am afraid to close my eyes in case i get these images of my babys in pain and me not able to help them, i am afraid of what i might see this time... i am so tired, buit am so scared im just here, so tired its hard to type and this post has taken me over half an hour, im exhausted but i am afraid..
I wish somebody could help me .....i cant keep doing this, friends are going to bed and others getting up in different countries all overe the place and i am still here......
Friday, November 13, 2009
How?
What do i do now? Do i cry? Do i yell? Do i go to bed and give up this day, do i go and find someone to talk to ... Not even sure now.... Have appointment with my doctor for next week, i know this is not good, maybe my medication needs to be changed.. i didnt want it in the first place, but im now seeing why i should take it. Until then i need to find some way to not totally lose it , have tonight free but tommorow i need to be composed for my family, hopefully a good night sleep will do it.
Trust me if you could see and hear me now. That just then was an enourmous sigh even for me
I just want anyone reading to know, that if you are feeling like this, its ok to ask for help, its ok to say .. im not doing well, its ok to g to a doctor and tell them what is going on for you, go to a friend, family. I f they wont listen, keep doing it until you find someone who will! Its ok to talk about it, about your Angel(s) and how you are feeling x
Trust me if you could see and hear me now. That just then was an enourmous sigh even for me
I just want anyone reading to know, that if you are feeling like this, its ok to ask for help, its ok to say .. im not doing well, its ok to g to a doctor and tell them what is going on for you, go to a friend, family. I f they wont listen, keep doing it until you find someone who will! Its ok to talk about it, about your Angel(s) and how you are feeling x
...............
Ever feel like its not worth getting out of bed? like if you do itll just be the same stuff as the day before or worse so why bother..... my heart is aching for my babys .........
9 weeks and what do i have
Today is 9 weeks since bubba left me and what do i have? a headache, a sore chest and no baby. She should be 18 weeks along right now, older than her sister was, she is suppose to be growing safe and warm inside me, i should be taking care of her....
I am struggling today, has taken me all day to find a way to write anything on here, i am upset, i am tired and achy and i am needing my babys, i am wanting them to show me that they are here, anything will do, i need to know they are ok :'(
I miss them
xx
I am struggling today, has taken me all day to find a way to write anything on here, i am upset, i am tired and achy and i am needing my babys, i am wanting them to show me that they are here, anything will do, i need to know they are ok :'(
I miss them
xx
untitld
Am unhappy and exhausted and have no words to explain how useless, worthless and down i feel tdoay .....
bubba, you left mummy 9 weeks ago today, i love you and miss you so much <3
rillee , mummy misses you so much, love you my princess <3
<3<3<3bigcuddlesgirls<3<3
bubba, you left mummy 9 weeks ago today, i love you and miss you so much <3
rillee , mummy misses you so much, love you my princess <3
<3<3<3bigcuddlesgirls<3<3
Thursday, November 12, 2009
let me sleep!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am tired, i am upset, i am unhappy, i am cranky , i am exhausted.. i need sleep! this is not funny anymore! im annoyed, overreacting and sensitive !!! this sleeping pill better work this time! am not impressed and anyone wanting to mess with me right now would be very sorry :(
.................
just read that and i do sound cranky and tired, was going to delete it but changed my mind, if im going to do this ... share everything, then there we go ... im NOT happy
:(((( going to bed , hopefully this pill will kick in soon and i will wake up a nice person :(
nite all
x
.................
just read that and i do sound cranky and tired, was going to delete it but changed my mind, if im going to do this ... share everything, then there we go ... im NOT happy
:(((( going to bed , hopefully this pill will kick in soon and i will wake up a nice person :(
nite all
x
nearly got it out :(
Again.... :( i went to say how much i miss my girls, talking to a really good friend who has given me so much support since i lost my girls (thank you so much, love you long time) again i wanted so badly to say it, how much i miss my babys, how much i want them, how bad im hurting.. and again just before i said it, i closed my mouth and didnt.. why cant i do it? why cant i just say it? Why is it so hard? now instead im sitting here, crying for my babys, hurting, lost and tired and not even to type excatly how i feel, chatting to friends in an awsome chat room, and still not able to get out what it is i want to say, in a chat room with friends who understand... i cant do it, i dont know why :( i feel like im letting them down, most of the time i can type how much i miss and need them, but i can never SAY it out loud... whats wrong with me? :"(
Right here Right now
I need to say this, need to tell anyone reading and no it is not meant to hurt or upset anyone :(
Not long ago i had some people when refering to me, say that i am caught in a circle of hate , this upset me so much, it made me feel like i should not be talking about how i feel, like if i do, people will think this of me, it made me unsure whether or not i should get it out , made me wonder if is better kept to myself.. but i dont think people have the right to judge me, people should not be allowed to have their own version of how i should be feeling and excpect me to follow it , i am me, i miss my girls, i feel like this and anyone saying u should not, will make no difference, it will only make it harder to be yourself and express yourself.
Please anyone who is reading .. dont ever speak of Angel parents like this, its not fair, its not right, it is cruel and only makes it harder :(
I am glad that i was told what people were saying about me and probably still are, so thank you for telling me, it has mademe realise that people are so cruel and that we all need to stop and think before we judge others, if i am caught in a circle of hate.. then .. so be it, i am trying, i am working on it, i am just trying to find a way to do this, to get on with every day, its just so hard at the moment, but i am sure that i can do it.. it will just take me some time ..
xxooxx
Not long ago i had some people when refering to me, say that i am caught in a circle of hate , this upset me so much, it made me feel like i should not be talking about how i feel, like if i do, people will think this of me, it made me unsure whether or not i should get it out , made me wonder if is better kept to myself.. but i dont think people have the right to judge me, people should not be allowed to have their own version of how i should be feeling and excpect me to follow it , i am me, i miss my girls, i feel like this and anyone saying u should not, will make no difference, it will only make it harder to be yourself and express yourself.
Please anyone who is reading .. dont ever speak of Angel parents like this, its not fair, its not right, it is cruel and only makes it harder :(
I am glad that i was told what people were saying about me and probably still are, so thank you for telling me, it has mademe realise that people are so cruel and that we all need to stop and think before we judge others, if i am caught in a circle of hate.. then .. so be it, i am trying, i am working on it, i am just trying to find a way to do this, to get on with every day, its just so hard at the moment, but i am sure that i can do it.. it will just take me some time ..
xxooxx
Why bother?
Am finding it hard today to even want to write anything,
managed to drag myself out of bed, but for what? the same chores, the same pain as every other day.. am wondering why i bother, have retyped this post numerouse times, even my spelling is shocking today. Feel like im stuck in a black hole, like im stuck on one spot and someone is hitting me over and over again, and i cant stop them. Head is pounding with a more amazing headche than yesterday, heart is aching, finding it hard to breath, to inhale hurts and to exhale hurts. Panic attacks today have been more often than usual and even the anxiety tablets from the doctor are doing nothing..
Curling up in that ball and sobbing is getting closer to actually happening i think, but im afraid that if start, i wont stop :(
Why is this getting worse? Why does it hurt more now than it did yesterday? What is wrong with me?
Am aching for my babys, am exhausted, sleep is still not all that much and i wonder how long it will be before my body finally gives up on me and i fall over, have the head spinning and nauseus feelings but its getting hard to tell if that is exhaustion or upset, maybe both.
My heart broke and shattered into millions of pieces when Rillee left me, and then when Bubba went as well, it felt like someone just started to jump up and down on the pieces , like a knife twisting in my chest, each time i breath it turns again.
And i wonder.. why do i get out of bed? Why do i bother trying when it is only getting worse.. I just want my girls back, i want their father here, did you ever feel like you are alone in a crowd? I have some very close friends who i would do anything for, friends who are here for me 24/7 no matter what, who will drop anything to listen to me, to be here for me, and i am so and always will be so grateful to them .. Thank you my friends <3>
I am just finding it so hard to ....ask people for help at the moment. Am feeling useless and like im wasting space and time :(
Im feeling so down that i dont want to burden people with me all of the time, people have so much on their plates, they need support and i feel they need a break.
Not sure what to do now....
Girls,
Mummy is crying for you, i miss you and i love you and i wish you were here , safe with me. I went out and bought you a butterfly each today, one day when mummy had somewhere of my own to live, i will make you botha garden and your butterfly ornaments will stay there for you to play with <3>
If stairs could build a stairway, and Memories a lane, id walk right up to Heaven and bring you home again (author unknown)
love this verse <3<3
managed to drag myself out of bed, but for what? the same chores, the same pain as every other day.. am wondering why i bother, have retyped this post numerouse times, even my spelling is shocking today. Feel like im stuck in a black hole, like im stuck on one spot and someone is hitting me over and over again, and i cant stop them. Head is pounding with a more amazing headche than yesterday, heart is aching, finding it hard to breath, to inhale hurts and to exhale hurts. Panic attacks today have been more often than usual and even the anxiety tablets from the doctor are doing nothing..
Curling up in that ball and sobbing is getting closer to actually happening i think, but im afraid that if start, i wont stop :(
Why is this getting worse? Why does it hurt more now than it did yesterday? What is wrong with me?
Am aching for my babys, am exhausted, sleep is still not all that much and i wonder how long it will be before my body finally gives up on me and i fall over, have the head spinning and nauseus feelings but its getting hard to tell if that is exhaustion or upset, maybe both.
My heart broke and shattered into millions of pieces when Rillee left me, and then when Bubba went as well, it felt like someone just started to jump up and down on the pieces , like a knife twisting in my chest, each time i breath it turns again.
And i wonder.. why do i get out of bed? Why do i bother trying when it is only getting worse.. I just want my girls back, i want their father here, did you ever feel like you are alone in a crowd? I have some very close friends who i would do anything for, friends who are here for me 24/7 no matter what, who will drop anything to listen to me, to be here for me, and i am so and always will be so grateful to them .. Thank you my friends <3>
I am just finding it so hard to ....ask people for help at the moment. Am feeling useless and like im wasting space and time :(
Im feeling so down that i dont want to burden people with me all of the time, people have so much on their plates, they need support and i feel they need a break.
Not sure what to do now....
Girls,
Mummy is crying for you, i miss you and i love you and i wish you were here , safe with me. I went out and bought you a butterfly each today, one day when mummy had somewhere of my own to live, i will make you botha garden and your butterfly ornaments will stay there for you to play with <3>
If stairs could build a stairway, and Memories a lane, id walk right up to Heaven and bring you home again (author unknown)
love this verse <3<3
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Today
I am a mess today , i am exhausted and miserable, family is home so i am having to put on that "happy birthday to me, everythings rosy" face. I want my girls more than anything, running slowly out of fight, just want to curl up in a ball and cry, yell, scream and dissapear.
Is this day ever going to end? When will i be happy? will i ever? Doesnt feel like it..
I would not wish how i feel on my worst enemy...
dont know how much longer i want to do this ...
I wish that he was still here, that he was not so nasty, that everything was how it was, I still love him, even after everything, does this make me pathetic?
I need him to be here, to hold me like he did, tight and safe... It was the best feeling... I need him now, I miss him, I love him ...
Everything is so wrong, has gone so wrong, is going so wrong.. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING!!!! why wont it stop??????? Why cant i escape? I want off this ride, this is too much :(
What is the point in trying, one second i feel ok, then the next im a mess, today it seems the moments when im a mess have morphed into one and have seamlessly joined together to smack me right between the eyes,
Why cant i escape this, why cant any of us escape this?, this is not fair, this is so wrong, none of us should know how it feels to loose this much, to lose our baby(s), to loose ourselves...
I was wondering tonight... is this blog really going to help me? or anyone else? will me crying on my keyboard and telling people how i really feel help someone? Will me feeling like this in front of everyone make a difference? How will i know? or am i making an idiot of myself, splashing this all over the place ....
I suppose i will never know, i just have to keep going and hope that even just one person who is low and desperatly searching for help finds it when they need it most, when they need to know that its ok to feel like this, that they are not alone and that its ok to be human, to be an Angel parent and talk about what you need and to share your Angels with everybody <3>
Is this day ever going to end? When will i be happy? will i ever? Doesnt feel like it..
I would not wish how i feel on my worst enemy...
dont know how much longer i want to do this ...
I wish that he was still here, that he was not so nasty, that everything was how it was, I still love him, even after everything, does this make me pathetic?
I need him to be here, to hold me like he did, tight and safe... It was the best feeling... I need him now, I miss him, I love him ...
Everything is so wrong, has gone so wrong, is going so wrong.. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING!!!! why wont it stop??????? Why cant i escape? I want off this ride, this is too much :(
What is the point in trying, one second i feel ok, then the next im a mess, today it seems the moments when im a mess have morphed into one and have seamlessly joined together to smack me right between the eyes,
Why cant i escape this, why cant any of us escape this?, this is not fair, this is so wrong, none of us should know how it feels to loose this much, to lose our baby(s), to loose ourselves...
I was wondering tonight... is this blog really going to help me? or anyone else? will me crying on my keyboard and telling people how i really feel help someone? Will me feeling like this in front of everyone make a difference? How will i know? or am i making an idiot of myself, splashing this all over the place ....
I suppose i will never know, i just have to keep going and hope that even just one person who is low and desperatly searching for help finds it when they need it most, when they need to know that its ok to feel like this, that they are not alone and that its ok to be human, to be an Angel parent and talk about what you need and to share your Angels with everybody <3>
Something to celebrate is a normal day for today
So another year gone and im one year older,wonderfull... this year has been an absolute mess , i have lost not one but BOTH of my babys, i have lost the man i loved, i have found out that two family members have cancer and now its a waiting game to see who lasts the longest :( I dont much feel like celebrating anything, am running out of things to smile about.
The present i was looking foward to, the present i wanted so badly was Rillee.
Its a strange feeling loosing both my girls so close together because rillee should be here, but if she was then i would not have even been able to be a mummy to bubba.... so im aching for Rillee, and also for Horowai, i could have not had my littlest Angel without her big sister which i suppose sounds kind of confusing to some, sometimes its confusing to me, its hard to explain.
This is not fair!!!!! i just want my girls back! both of them, i want to be holding Rillee and feeling bubba dancing around.. I just want my babys! they are MINE... they are not God's or anybody elses. they are my babys, they are me....
I know that my mum is probably looking after them for me.. but why should she get them? she had her own babys! she had me and my brothers! She cant have them, the girls are mine :( did someone somewhere think that she could do a better job of looking after the girls than their own mummy? I would have done my best, i would have tried, i may not have got it right all the time.. but im sure noone does.... Why didnt i get a chance?
Celebrate... not really feeling like it at the moment, I just want this year and this pain to go away, i just want to know for sure that my tiny babes are safe and warm an happy, that someone is there when they cry, that someone gives them cuddles and sings to them.. mum please look after my girls, i cant, and i would if i could but for some reason i am not allowed .... please tell them how much i love them both, how much i miss them, how sorry i am.. and if you get a chance, please let me know somehow that they are ok..
xx Rillee xx Horowai xx Mum xx
* I want to say a very special thank you to all of my wonderful, loving friends for all of your birthday wishes, it means more to me than i can put into words, so for now, all i can say is thank you so so much<3 <3 <3 <3<3*
The present i was looking foward to, the present i wanted so badly was Rillee.
Its a strange feeling loosing both my girls so close together because rillee should be here, but if she was then i would not have even been able to be a mummy to bubba.... so im aching for Rillee, and also for Horowai, i could have not had my littlest Angel without her big sister which i suppose sounds kind of confusing to some, sometimes its confusing to me, its hard to explain.
This is not fair!!!!! i just want my girls back! both of them, i want to be holding Rillee and feeling bubba dancing around.. I just want my babys! they are MINE... they are not God's or anybody elses. they are my babys, they are me....
I know that my mum is probably looking after them for me.. but why should she get them? she had her own babys! she had me and my brothers! She cant have them, the girls are mine :( did someone somewhere think that she could do a better job of looking after the girls than their own mummy? I would have done my best, i would have tried, i may not have got it right all the time.. but im sure noone does.... Why didnt i get a chance?
Celebrate... not really feeling like it at the moment, I just want this year and this pain to go away, i just want to know for sure that my tiny babes are safe and warm an happy, that someone is there when they cry, that someone gives them cuddles and sings to them.. mum please look after my girls, i cant, and i would if i could but for some reason i am not allowed .... please tell them how much i love them both, how much i miss them, how sorry i am.. and if you get a chance, please let me know somehow that they are ok..
xx Rillee xx Horowai xx Mum xx
* I want to say a very special thank you to all of my wonderful, loving friends for all of your birthday wishes, it means more to me than i can put into words, so for now, all i can say is thank you so so much<3 <3 <3 <3<3*
are you ok?
mummy only needs one thing today .. i need to know you are safe, i need to know you are both ok :( i know you are with your nana, but i cant see you..... i need to know, i need you to let me know somehow... please :'( its 20 to one in the morning and im sitting here, crying , not looking foward to another long night in the dark on my own ..... i need you , i miss you, i love you <3 <3
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Changes like the weather ...
So im here again , 930pm. Managed my happy face for 10 minutes, but it seems to have run off on me :/ Why is this so hard lately?? why cant i just "get on with it" it is getting harder to hide how i feel, i thought it was suppose to get better with time?
Well i can tell you.. it doesnt , for me its getting worse, feel like im drowning under wave after wave of anxiety and misery... i somehow manage to hide away and be "ok" while my family is around, just lucky for me everyone is so busy doing there own thing they dont stop and look properly, they just think im "cranky" , when they all go off to do their own thing, when they are not looking, these waves just come again, knocking me over, throwing me around... maybe its because i dont let it run its course? maybe its because i do such a good job of not letting anybody at home close enough to notice.. i dont know, but i dont know how many more times i can get back up.... starting to think its easier to just bury my head and wait for it to eventually stop ....
I just want so badly to hold Rillee , not Rillee's ashes in a teddy, but a healthy, growing , happy , breathing Rillee ... the Rillee who would be able to hold my finger and smile when she saw me. Its a pain that never dulls, it never lessens, i think it is just masked by other things, so at times it does not feel so strong.. but its always there.. thumping away, waiting for a chance to have me on the floor in a sobbing mess .. luckily i have managed to avoid having anyone see me do this, but it has happened.. when no-one has been watching ... even now, as i write this, i can feel myself winding up, I am crying,I am miserable , I am feeling so so tired and all i want to do is give up, but if i do, then i cant support others, i cant be here when maybe just one person who is desperate to know they are not the only one who feels this way happens to find this blog.
what help will i be to that person, to anyone if i give up....
I just wish it would stop, i wish it would go away... i never thought that two such tiny people could mean this much to me, i never thought i would be given not one but two precious miracles, and i never imagined that once i had been given them i would loose them, they are me and now they are gone, which means that most of me is missing .... now what can i do?
" a person is a person no matter how small"
(dr suess)
this has got to be my favourite quote of all, and its so so true, my girls are people, they are tiny people, but they have made a bigger impact on me than any big person ever will, they are my babys
<3 Rillee <3 <3 Horowai <3 <
Well i can tell you.. it doesnt , for me its getting worse, feel like im drowning under wave after wave of anxiety and misery... i somehow manage to hide away and be "ok" while my family is around, just lucky for me everyone is so busy doing there own thing they dont stop and look properly, they just think im "cranky" , when they all go off to do their own thing, when they are not looking, these waves just come again, knocking me over, throwing me around... maybe its because i dont let it run its course? maybe its because i do such a good job of not letting anybody at home close enough to notice.. i dont know, but i dont know how many more times i can get back up.... starting to think its easier to just bury my head and wait for it to eventually stop ....
I just want so badly to hold Rillee , not Rillee's ashes in a teddy, but a healthy, growing , happy , breathing Rillee ... the Rillee who would be able to hold my finger and smile when she saw me. Its a pain that never dulls, it never lessens, i think it is just masked by other things, so at times it does not feel so strong.. but its always there.. thumping away, waiting for a chance to have me on the floor in a sobbing mess .. luckily i have managed to avoid having anyone see me do this, but it has happened.. when no-one has been watching ... even now, as i write this, i can feel myself winding up, I am crying,I am miserable , I am feeling so so tired and all i want to do is give up, but if i do, then i cant support others, i cant be here when maybe just one person who is desperate to know they are not the only one who feels this way happens to find this blog.
what help will i be to that person, to anyone if i give up....
I just wish it would stop, i wish it would go away... i never thought that two such tiny people could mean this much to me, i never thought i would be given not one but two precious miracles, and i never imagined that once i had been given them i would loose them, they are me and now they are gone, which means that most of me is missing .... now what can i do?
" a person is a person no matter how small"
(dr suess)
this has got to be my favourite quote of all, and its so so true, my girls are people, they are tiny people, but they have made a bigger impact on me than any big person ever will, they are my babys
<3 Rillee <3 <3 Horowai <3 <
From my head to my toes
So i have managed to drag myself out of bed for yet another day, seems like every day runs into the next , wonder if it will ever change? Wonder what today is going to bring... almost afraid to ask .....
Feel so exhausted, need some sleep but the tablets from the doctor dont seem to be doing much .... spent the night sitting on my bed in the dark holding Rillee monkey, crying and wondering what went so wrong, i know it doesnt help to wonder.. but iv not yet manged to stop. How do i do that? I dont know, but do know that lately everytime i think of my babys and everytime someone mentions their names, i get this shaky, tingly, cold , stomach lurching , anxious , wanna curl up and scream feeling from my head to my toes, my heart in my mouth and have to try and catch my breath.. this is scaring me a bit.. why does the mention of my girls make me want scream and throw up , why do i feel like this... should i get a happy, warm tingle instead of a cold, nauseus one? This makes me feel like a horrible mum :( i dont want to feel like this when i think of my babys, i miss them and love them so much :'( i wonder if anybody else has ever got this feeling when they thought of their Angels, or is it just me? :(
I dont want want to write this blog and be seen as the grumpy one, or the one full of hate, i just want to say how i feel, or as best i can anyway.... I want to write what is happening for me and hopefully one day an Angel mum will read it and know she is not alone, that its ok to feel like this. If this helps then i will keep doing it, praying that me opening my heart for all to see will help just one person who needs it..... :-/
To anyone who wants to see the happy , fake side of me, it may happen, it may not... sometimes it is hard to put on the big smile and be who everyone wants to see, the life of the party, and if we do that all the time, how can we help others who are struggling?
Love to all and big kisses to my princesses <3 <3
Feel so exhausted, need some sleep but the tablets from the doctor dont seem to be doing much .... spent the night sitting on my bed in the dark holding Rillee monkey, crying and wondering what went so wrong, i know it doesnt help to wonder.. but iv not yet manged to stop. How do i do that? I dont know, but do know that lately everytime i think of my babys and everytime someone mentions their names, i get this shaky, tingly, cold , stomach lurching , anxious , wanna curl up and scream feeling from my head to my toes, my heart in my mouth and have to try and catch my breath.. this is scaring me a bit.. why does the mention of my girls make me want scream and throw up , why do i feel like this... should i get a happy, warm tingle instead of a cold, nauseus one? This makes me feel like a horrible mum :( i dont want to feel like this when i think of my babys, i miss them and love them so much :'( i wonder if anybody else has ever got this feeling when they thought of their Angels, or is it just me? :(
I dont want want to write this blog and be seen as the grumpy one, or the one full of hate, i just want to say how i feel, or as best i can anyway.... I want to write what is happening for me and hopefully one day an Angel mum will read it and know she is not alone, that its ok to feel like this. If this helps then i will keep doing it, praying that me opening my heart for all to see will help just one person who needs it..... :-/
To anyone who wants to see the happy , fake side of me, it may happen, it may not... sometimes it is hard to put on the big smile and be who everyone wants to see, the life of the party, and if we do that all the time, how can we help others who are struggling?
Love to all and big kisses to my princesses <3 <3
Monday, November 9, 2009
Will it ever hurt less?
Feel like im going to loose it :( Can feel the tears coming back, heart pounding and headache getting worse.. I just want my babys, I want to hold them, Want to kiss them , Want to be with them. It hurts so much :'( This is not fair! Dont understand why! What did i do wrong? Why did God need both of them? I would have tried, yes i may not have been a perfect mum, but i would have done my best.... is that not enough?
My heart is in tiny pieces ... shattered and every breathe hurts more than the last.... Will this ever go away?
Now i need to put on my "happy" face and carry on pretending im not in so much emotional pain that its become physical pain ....I just want to curl up in a ball and sob, but that isnt a good look is it? ....... How long do i have to do this for?
My heart is in tiny pieces ... shattered and every breathe hurts more than the last.... Will this ever go away?
Now i need to put on my "happy" face and carry on pretending im not in so much emotional pain that its become physical pain ....I just want to curl up in a ball and sob, but that isnt a good look is it? ....... How long do i have to do this for?
True Friends
Well i must say that today has truely upset me, i have seen so many of my friends hurt. I wish i could understand WHY people feel the need to be nasty and pick at each other ? I am and have been sitting here watching the Love and hard work of myself and some truely compassionate and loving friends be smashed to pieces in front of me .. as a good friend said to me today.. it is "crumbling"... We are suppose to be supporting each other , not fighting , its hard to understand how people who are so close can turn on each other so quickly and over things so small :( How people can hurt each other.. WHY? there has to be a reason.. no?
Everything is about to be blown apart , because of one or two people starting to spread lies and rumors, how childish is this? is it jelousy? or something else? No i will not shoot the messenger and am behind you ALL 100%, the person i am not happy with is the one/ones who started all of this, they have managed to in just over a day, completely destroy good friendships and completly destroy so much hard work, a cause so needed and true, something so many desperatly need.
As i have heard time and time again.... "You find out who your true friends are in the end"
Well, i think for some, this is the end.... Although i pray it isnt, i think that too much has happened today, things have changed today... and it upsets me more than i can say...
To my closest and true friends ... I love you with all my heart and im here, now and always <3 <3
Everything is about to be blown apart , because of one or two people starting to spread lies and rumors, how childish is this? is it jelousy? or something else? No i will not shoot the messenger and am behind you ALL 100%, the person i am not happy with is the one/ones who started all of this, they have managed to in just over a day, completely destroy good friendships and completly destroy so much hard work, a cause so needed and true, something so many desperatly need.
As i have heard time and time again.... "You find out who your true friends are in the end"
Well, i think for some, this is the end.... Although i pray it isnt, i think that too much has happened today, things have changed today... and it upsets me more than i can say...
To my closest and true friends ... I love you with all my heart and im here, now and always <3 <3
And it begins.. another day
I am lost for words at all the fighting and the bickering amoung friends, i am a part of an awsome support cummunity full of so many wonderful, selfless people and very good friends of mine. This Community is called Angel Baby and is a community of Angel parents, set up so that people can come and find support and in turn give support. www.ourangelbaby.org
Facebook is another story however, Angel baby has a group on fb and it seems that there is always a problem lately, it seems that every second person is being called a fake and everyone is attacking each other, this is not how its suppose to be! We are all here for the same reason! We have all lost our children, we need to be supporting not attacking, please! just take it easy and remmember why we need each other :( I am beginning to wonder what i am doing here... Why am i sticking around, i dont need any more conflict, i am so down already without seeing my friends fighting and upset... please just leave each other alone.. we need each other
Facebook is another story however, Angel baby has a group on fb and it seems that there is always a problem lately, it seems that every second person is being called a fake and everyone is attacking each other, this is not how its suppose to be! We are all here for the same reason! We have all lost our children, we need to be supporting not attacking, please! just take it easy and remmember why we need each other :( I am beginning to wonder what i am doing here... Why am i sticking around, i dont need any more conflict, i am so down already without seeing my friends fighting and upset... please just leave each other alone.. we need each other
Sunday, November 8, 2009
The first day of the rest of my blog
So iv decided to start a blog and hope that someone will follow it :)
I guess the place to start is the beginnning, an intro .
I am an Angel mum to two Angel baby's , my daughters Rillee and Horowai. I love and miss my girls so much and when i found out i was pregnant with them , i never thought i would loose them, i thought they were mine to care for and hold close forever. Apparently someone had other plans and they are both now in Heaven with their nana and great grandads. I would go to the ends of the earth and back for one more moment with my babys, i would do anything and give up anything , including myself just to see them or hear them or feel them one more time. Sleep is nearly non exsistent and getting out of bed in the morning is a struggle, but im trying. Thats all i can do i figure.... try
Well something else i am trying to do is bring a little bit of comfort to other Angel Parents through my website PreciousBabes. I make Personalised in loving memory and collage pages for Angels , Angel certificates , Angel mummy, Daddy, Grandparent and Godparent certificates, Personalised name pages and personalised poems for Angels, there are a many pages and items i can make and i do this all as a gift from my girls and I, to Angels and their families, hoping to bring a small bit of light into the day of an Angel family. PreciousBabes is currently under construction as im moving it elsewhere, but i will post the link as soon as its finished :)
anyway, thats me and my girls and my site , so .. I hope you will check back in for my next post and photos im still to add :)
xx
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