So another year gone and im one year older,wonderfull... this year has been an absolute mess , i have lost not one but BOTH of my babys, i have lost the man i loved, i have found out that two family members have cancer and now its a waiting game to see who lasts the longest :( I dont much feel like celebrating anything, am running out of things to smile about.
The present i was looking foward to, the present i wanted so badly was Rillee.
Its a strange feeling loosing both my girls so close together because rillee should be here, but if she was then i would not have even been able to be a mummy to bubba.... so im aching for Rillee, and also for Horowai, i could have not had my littlest Angel without her big sister which i suppose sounds kind of confusing to some, sometimes its confusing to me, its hard to explain.
This is not fair!!!!! i just want my girls back! both of them, i want to be holding Rillee and feeling bubba dancing around.. I just want my babys! they are MINE... they are not God's or anybody elses. they are my babys, they are me....
I know that my mum is probably looking after them for me.. but why should she get them? she had her own babys! she had me and my brothers! She cant have them, the girls are mine :( did someone somewhere think that she could do a better job of looking after the girls than their own mummy? I would have done my best, i would have tried, i may not have got it right all the time.. but im sure noone does.... Why didnt i get a chance?
Celebrate... not really feeling like it at the moment, I just want this year and this pain to go away, i just want to know for sure that my tiny babes are safe and warm an happy, that someone is there when they cry, that someone gives them cuddles and sings to them.. mum please look after my girls, i cant, and i would if i could but for some reason i am not allowed .... please tell them how much i love them both, how much i miss them, how sorry i am.. and if you get a chance, please let me know somehow that they are ok..
xx Rillee xx Horowai xx Mum xx
* I want to say a very special thank you to all of my wonderful, loving friends for all of your birthday wishes, it means more to me than i can put into words, so for now, all i can say is thank you so so much<3 <3 <3 <3<3*
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