like a bungy cord

I have been feeling a bit better the last few days, being surrounded by good, caring friends who i would do anything for. Friends who can make me smile through tears of pain. Wet smiles sometimes, but smiles. Thank you <3 <3

I have heard from many that grief is like a rollercoaster, one minute you can be up and the next you are down with no warning nor way to stop or slow it.
I have found this to be so true this year. I would describe it as .. like a bungy cord.. you are ok, and you get on one with things, you have a little slack from the pain , it doesnt go away, its there, but its not holding you as strongly. Then, it tightens, you can feel yourself tighten and very soon you can be wound tight, ready to snap at any moment, then the cord does snap back.. you are pulled back so fast you dont know what to do, the pain, the grief, the tears all come flooding back and there is not a thing you can do about it, only wait for it to stop.

Lately this has been happening to me more, i dont know why, i am not able to stop it.. Im fine and laughing and joking with friends and then suddenly everything tightens, my chest tightens, i shake , i cry and i panic even though there is no danger, nothing to fear. Panic attacks which can last a short time, or a long time, you never know which. Sometime i can slow them down, but lately this has been so difficult.
Today is an example.. I was looking at an online auction site, looking for a christmas present for the girls. I found two perfect gifts, two monkey soft toys.. perfect for my babys, i love them and when i found them i had no problems, they made me smile... the next time i went back to look at them it was instant .. my chest tighten and i couldnt catch my breath, i started to cry and couldnt stop, i was shaking and felt an overwheming sense of disaster, i was absolutly terrified, but unsure why and the longer it went on, the harder it got to stop, i couldnt, i tried.. i tried to breathe slowely , tried to count slowely, tried to stop the tears rolling down my face.. but i couldnt. I am so grateful that i was talking to two very close friends at the time, they both helped me to calm down, talking to me and just being there ... i did stop, it took a while and i am still a bit sore , but it went away. Thank you both xx <3 xx

I can only hope that tommorow will be a calm, relaxed, easy day.. if i could get off this rollercoaster i would, but for now, i guess its just a matter of riding it out and doing the best i can ...