Tidal wave

I dont understand it, i dont understand how i can be happy one minute, laughing and smiling and joking with good friends and then for no reason, this wave of .. pain and anxiety and desperation can just appear and wash over me, knocking me over and taking away anything i had found to smile about. I had such a good laugh, such a good afternoon and now i just feel down and miserable.. i feel like crying but i also feel i have run out of tears , like there is nothing there.. i dont know which feels worse, to cry or to not be able to... Miss my babys more than i can put ito words, my heart aches so badly there is no words for that either.... This is not fair, i just want my babys! i want to know why they are not here, why i could not carry them, why they left me, what do i do now? I cant even think of words to say how ill and anxious i feel right now, i just dont have any other way to put it...