So im here again , 930pm. Managed my happy face for 10 minutes, but it seems to have run off on me :/ Why is this so hard lately?? why cant i just "get on with it" it is getting harder to hide how i feel, i thought it was suppose to get better with time?
Well i can tell you.. it doesnt , for me its getting worse, feel like im drowning under wave after wave of anxiety and misery... i somehow manage to hide away and be "ok" while my family is around, just lucky for me everyone is so busy doing there own thing they dont stop and look properly, they just think im "cranky" , when they all go off to do their own thing, when they are not looking, these waves just come again, knocking me over, throwing me around... maybe its because i dont let it run its course? maybe its because i do such a good job of not letting anybody at home close enough to notice.. i dont know, but i dont know how many more times i can get back up.... starting to think its easier to just bury my head and wait for it to eventually stop ....
I just want so badly to hold Rillee , not Rillee's ashes in a teddy, but a healthy, growing , happy , breathing Rillee ... the Rillee who would be able to hold my finger and smile when she saw me. Its a pain that never dulls, it never lessens, i think it is just masked by other things, so at times it does not feel so strong.. but its always there.. thumping away, waiting for a chance to have me on the floor in a sobbing mess .. luckily i have managed to avoid having anyone see me do this, but it has happened.. when no-one has been watching ... even now, as i write this, i can feel myself winding up, I am crying,I am miserable , I am feeling so so tired and all i want to do is give up, but if i do, then i cant support others, i cant be here when maybe just one person who is desperate to know they are not the only one who feels this way happens to find this blog.
what help will i be to that person, to anyone if i give up....
I just wish it would stop, i wish it would go away... i never thought that two such tiny people could mean this much to me, i never thought i would be given not one but two precious miracles, and i never imagined that once i had been given them i would loose them, they are me and now they are gone, which means that most of me is missing .... now what can i do?
" a person is a person no matter how small"
(dr suess)
this has got to be my favourite quote of all, and its so so true, my girls are people, they are tiny people, but they have made a bigger impact on me than any big person ever will, they are my babys
<3 Rillee <3 <3 Horowai <3 <
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