Im tired and im so low i dont know if im going to be able to climb my way out of this ... hole i have have fallen into, Didnt sleep again, i am exhausted but i cannot deal with any nightmares at the moment, last night and early hours of this morning i sat cudling my Rillee monkey , in the dark, on my own, keeping myself awake. Not wanting to risk closing my eyes and seeing those things again. You may think im being silly, but these nightmares are so terrifying and i cant deal with it now. The sleeping pills have not worked to put me asleep enough to not have them.. what am i suppose to do? I dont know..
Am aching for my babys, i feel it from the top of my head to my toes, everything is tight and sore and i just miss them so badly. People may think that my girls where not that old, and i didnt have them at home for any amount of time, that they where not full term or that i didnt get to stay with Rillee and do all the things that i should have done and why am i feeling like this.. honestly i have a t times wondered myself...the girls, they are mine,they are a part of me , they are ME , when i lost them my heart was ripped apart not once but twice.. shattered into millions of tiny peices.
At home i keep my mouth shut, i just have to "get on with it" , not show how i realy feeling, not cry, not talk about it. But on the computer, when noone is looking i can say it, i can tell people how i feel, locking it up around family and friends here sometimes turns into physical pain, letting it out, is a little bit of relief. So thank you to everbody who listens to me and lets me say how i feel , even when you may be sick of hearing it :(
Right now, this moment, today .. I cant even find the motivation to go looking for people, i just want to curl up and cry for my girls, i want whoever parked this jetplane on my chest to move it so i can breathe, i want my babys back....
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