From my head to my toes

So i have managed to drag myself out of bed for yet another day, seems like every day runs into the next , wonder if it will ever change? Wonder what today is going to bring... almost afraid to ask .....
Feel so exhausted, need some sleep but the tablets from the doctor dont seem to be doing much .... spent the night sitting on my bed in the dark holding Rillee monkey, crying and wondering what went so wrong, i know it doesnt help to wonder.. but iv not yet manged to stop. How do i do that? I dont know, but do know that lately everytime i think of my babys and everytime someone mentions their names, i get this shaky, tingly, cold , stomach lurching , anxious , wanna curl up and scream feeling from my head to my toes, my heart in my mouth and have to try and catch my breath.. this is scaring me a bit.. why does the mention of my girls make me want scream and throw up , why do i feel like this... should i get a happy, warm tingle instead of a cold, nauseus one? This makes me feel like a horrible mum :( i dont want to feel like this when i think of my babys, i miss them and love them so much :'( i wonder if anybody else has ever got this feeling when they thought of their Angels, or is it just me? :(

I dont want want to write this blog and be seen as the grumpy one, or the one full of hate, i just want to say how i feel, or as best i can anyway.... I want to write what is happening for me and hopefully one day an Angel mum will read it and know she is not alone, that its ok to feel like this. If this helps then i will keep doing it, praying that me opening my heart for all to see will help just one person who needs it..... :-/
To anyone who wants to see the happy , fake side of me, it may happen, it may not... sometimes it is hard to put on the big smile and be who everyone wants to see, the life of the party, and if we do that all the time, how can we help others who are struggling?

Love to all and big kisses to my princesses <3 <3