Why bother?

Am finding it hard today to even want to write anything,
managed to drag myself out of bed, but for what? the same chores, the same pain as every other day.. am wondering why i bother, have retyped this post numerouse times, even my spelling is shocking today. Feel like im stuck in a black hole, like im stuck on one spot and someone is hitting me over and over again, and i cant stop them. Head is pounding with a more amazing headche than yesterday, heart is aching, finding it hard to breath, to inhale hurts and to exhale hurts. Panic attacks today have been more often than usual and even the anxiety tablets from the doctor are doing nothing..
Curling up in that ball and sobbing is getting closer to actually happening i think, but im afraid that if start, i wont stop :(
Why is this getting worse? Why does it hurt more now than it did yesterday? What is wrong with me?
Am aching for my babys, am exhausted, sleep is still not all that much and i wonder how long it will be before my body finally gives up on me and i fall over, have the head spinning and nauseus feelings but its getting hard to tell if that is exhaustion or upset, maybe both.

My heart broke and shattered into millions of pieces when Rillee left me, and then when Bubba went as well, it felt like someone just started to jump up and down on the pieces , like a knife twisting in my chest, each time i breath it turns again.

And i wonder.. why do i get out of bed? Why do i bother trying when it is only getting worse.. I just want my girls back, i want their father here, did you ever feel like you are alone in a crowd? I have some very close friends who i would do anything for, friends who are here for me 24/7 no matter what, who will drop anything to listen to me, to be here for me, and i am so and always will be so grateful to them .. Thank you my friends <3>
I am just finding it so hard to ....ask people for help at the moment. Am feeling useless and like im wasting space and time :(
Im feeling so down that i dont want to burden people with me all of the time, people have so much on their plates, they need support and i feel they need a break.
Not sure what to do now....


Girls,
Mummy is crying for you, i miss you and i love you and i wish you were here , safe with me. I went out and bought you a butterfly each today, one day when mummy had somewhere of my own to live, i will make you botha garden and your butterfly ornaments will stay there for you to play with <3>


If stairs could build a stairway, and Memories a lane, id walk right up to Heaven and bring you home again (author unknown)

love this verse <3<3