Feel like im going to loose it :( Can feel the tears coming back, heart pounding and headache getting worse.. I just want my babys, I want to hold them, Want to kiss them , Want to be with them. It hurts so much :'( This is not fair! Dont understand why! What did i do wrong? Why did God need both of them? I would have tried, yes i may not have been a perfect mum, but i would have done my best.... is that not enough?
My heart is in tiny pieces ... shattered and every breathe hurts more than the last.... Will this ever go away?
Now i need to put on my "happy" face and carry on pretending im not in so much emotional pain that its become physical pain ....I just want to curl up in a ball and sob, but that isnt a good look is it? ....... How long do i have to do this for?
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Hunni. I am so sorry for what you are going through right now. Here is what I have learned, for what it is worth. :) Be kind to yourself. That is so important. You need to do something that's just for you, not for anybody else. If we don't take care of ourselves, we have nothing left to give to another. Did you know? Rillee and Horowai never left you? They are there with you, every time the breeze kisses your cheek. Every time, the leaves on the trees rustle, just a little, for no reason? That's them. Every time the sun feels just a little warmer than normal, that is your girls giving you a cuddle. They are with you, because the love you feel for them is so strong, so pure, and so good, they don't want to leave you. They love you too, and I just bet that they wish they could smile at you. The only way that they can, is with the sunshine, the breeze and the leaves on the trees. Listen to a stream sometime. One that runs a little way over some rocks. If you close your eyes, and sit very quietly, you can hear your girls giggling. Do you want to know how I know this? Because my sons do the same thing for me. They come to me when I am down, and they just sit with me for a while. Sometimes they kiss my cheek, and sometimes they play with my hair. If I close my eyes, I can still smell them, and if I hold my arms just right, I can still feel them there. I know how much you miss your baby girls hunni, because I live that every day too. I know the pain you are in, because that pain is my constant companion too. Although we live so very far apart, we are sisters. We feel the same agony, every day, and yet we go on. Me, I go on because I have other children to consider. You, well, you go on to make your girls proud of you. And you know something? I just bet that they are sitting up there, grinning fit to bust, cos their mum helps other angel mums with their pain. I know that they are proud of you hunni. How could they not be. xxxxxxx
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