I am a mess today , i am exhausted and miserable, family is home so i am having to put on that "happy birthday to me, everythings rosy" face. I want my girls more than anything, running slowly out of fight, just want to curl up in a ball and cry, yell, scream and dissapear.
Is this day ever going to end? When will i be happy? will i ever? Doesnt feel like it..
I would not wish how i feel on my worst enemy...
dont know how much longer i want to do this ...
I wish that he was still here, that he was not so nasty, that everything was how it was, I still love him, even after everything, does this make me pathetic?
I need him to be here, to hold me like he did, tight and safe... It was the best feeling... I need him now, I miss him, I love him ...
Everything is so wrong, has gone so wrong, is going so wrong.. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING!!!! why wont it stop??????? Why cant i escape? I want off this ride, this is too much :(
What is the point in trying, one second i feel ok, then the next im a mess, today it seems the moments when im a mess have morphed into one and have seamlessly joined together to smack me right between the eyes,
Why cant i escape this, why cant any of us escape this?, this is not fair, this is so wrong, none of us should know how it feels to loose this much, to lose our baby(s), to loose ourselves...
I was wondering tonight... is this blog really going to help me? or anyone else? will me crying on my keyboard and telling people how i really feel help someone? Will me feeling like this in front of everyone make a difference? How will i know? or am i making an idiot of myself, splashing this all over the place ....
I suppose i will never know, i just have to keep going and hope that even just one person who is low and desperatly searching for help finds it when they need it most, when they need to know that its ok to feel like this, that they are not alone and that its ok to be human, to be an Angel parent and talk about what you need and to share your Angels with everybody <3>
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I am sitting here at my laptop. Reading your blog, thinking to myself, how did you get inside my head? How did you know how I feel? You took the words right out of my soul. You are NOT alone. Ever. Every parent, who has ever lost a child, whether that child drew a breath or not, has felt the same way. Every single one of us, has cursed the fates, ourselves, god. We all ache. We all weep. And, hopefully, we all reach out to someone for comfort. Hopefully, that someone is a person sitting next to us. Sometimes, it is a soul mate, on the other end of a computer, sitting there, staring at their keyboard, wondering how to put into words the pain in their soul. I am here. xxxxxxx
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