another day closer to this "holiday" they call "christmas" and i feel more down the closer i get, Rillee has been an Angel for 36 weeks and Horowai for 13 weeks, i dont understand what is going on! why my babys? why is it so hard, why has my heart been ripped out and jumped on, why cant i deal with these panic attacks. I had a bad one today , i went to put an Angel ornament on the christmas tree for the girls and the minute i reached up to put it on the branch, the room started to spin, i felt sick to my stomach, started to sweat and shake and couldnt breath... all over a christmas tree! came back to the pc where i was chatting to freinds and ended up doubled over on the floor , pain shooting up my back , trying to catch my breath, panicking over something that wasnt there, a sense of absolute dread and panic, and no danger anywhere near me, now i just have a sore chest and massive headache. I just want it to stop, i want to be ok for a few days, but lately have been feeling worse, how much am i suppose to deal with ? someone somewhere must think im strong and can handle a lot, but i dont, i dont feel strong , i dont feel calm, i dont feel ok , i am not coping and i dont know what to do. I have friends who are here for me, but everyone is having such a hard time at the moment as it gets closer to christmas, i dont want to make it harder for them.
I miss my girls and i just want to curl up and scream :((
Rillee <3 36 weeks an Angel <3 Horowai <3 13 weeks an Angel <3
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