Christmas is here and on its way out ..

Today is boxing day where i am, Christmas Eve has gone , Christmas day as well, and i couldnt be more gratefull, it has not been easy in the last few days, putting on my "happy" face for my family and friends but they do not know about my girls, so for now i have no choice.
I have had another project the last few weeks, something that i hope helped an Angels family member somewhere....somehow, so far most of the feedback has been good, so i think maybe it will be ok to give it a go next year.

I miss my girls, this is their first christmas, not just their first christmas in Heaven, but FIRST ever and they are not here, i feel like im alone in a crowd , i am plastering on a fake smile, taking a deep breath and chatting away , but inside im screaming and crying and in pieces. I ache to hold them , to hear them cry, to feel them, to touch them, kiss them, i ache for my babys. Every moment of everyday is a struggle, every minute, every second i feel like my heart is being jumped on, i never thought i would ever feel like this about anybody , but i was given two miracles, and then they were taken away in a moment and i could not do a thing about it.

I hope that my Angels can hear me, i hope they know how much I love them <3 <3

Its 11pm here and i have tears rolling down my face yet again :'( and now i think its time to go to bed adn try to sleep.

Nite everybody xox <3 xox

.............

Today is a bad day , i already know and its not yet 8am. I have had not quite two hours sleep and feel so low , i just want to curl up and sob, just want to hold my big girl and look after her, losing my girls hurts more than anything, i didnt get to hold them, i didnt get to dress them or feed them, but it hurts like i did :'( even writing this little bit i am crying for my babys, which is not helping my already thumping headache.

xox

another day closer and what .....?

another day closer to this "holiday" they call "christmas" and i feel more down the closer i get, Rillee has been an Angel for 36 weeks and Horowai for 13 weeks, i dont understand what is going on! why my babys? why is it so hard, why has my heart been ripped out and jumped on, why cant i deal with these panic attacks. I had a bad one today , i went to put an Angel ornament on the christmas tree for the girls and the minute i reached up to put it on the branch, the room started to spin, i felt sick to my stomach, started to sweat and shake and couldnt breath... all over a christmas tree! came back to the pc where i was chatting to freinds and ended up doubled over on the floor , pain shooting up my back , trying to catch my breath, panicking over something that wasnt there, a sense of absolute dread and panic, and no danger anywhere near me, now i just have a sore chest and massive headache. I just want it to stop, i want to be ok for a few days, but lately have been feeling worse, how much am i suppose to deal with ? someone somewhere must think im strong and can handle a lot, but i dont, i dont feel strong , i dont feel calm, i dont feel ok , i am not coping and i dont know what to do. I have friends who are here for me, but everyone is having such a hard time at the moment as it gets closer to christmas, i dont want to make it harder for them.

I miss my girls and i just want to curl up and scream :((


Rillee <3 36 weeks an Angel <3 Horowai <3 13 weeks an Angel <3

.................

Dont know how i feel , will do my best to describe... Sad, Lost, Awake, achy, High (not that kinda high) sore, dizzy , head too full,want to cry but cant , want to laugh but cant...

lost in the maze of fuzzy brain ..

i am wondering why i bothered to get up , i already know how this day is going to go, more friends in pain and low and a big battle on the way, one that will not go well when it happens.
I feel terrible that i have not been here for my friends lately, they are always here for me and i have been low and struggling and have not been here for them like i should be , im sorry :( <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

Feel lost , like im wandering around in circles and not going anywhere, one foot nailed to the floor. I wander around the house doing not much of anything, or i log on and find my friends and then sit a stare at the computer screen not even reading much before i wander off to another room again . I cant seem to concentrate on anything for too long, i burst into tears for no reason , it is worse at night when noone is around to see me, normally i will log on and someone will say something which has nothing to do with anything and i will start crying. sometimes i cannot stop , half an hour or an hour later i am still crying, even though the subject has totally changed and people can be laughing and happy again.

Girls, i love you and miss you both so much , one day i will get to hold you, and when i do i will never let go, noone will ever take you away from me again, i promise you that.
<3 <3 <3 <3

this song describes part of how im feeling

Well, it must be kind of crowded,
On the streets of Heaven.
So tell me: what do you need her for?
Don't you know one day she'll be your little girl forever.
But right now I need her so much more.


Lord, don't you know she's my angel
You got plenty of your own
And I know you hold a place for her
But she's already got a home


(part of verses from the song "streets of heaven" by sherrie austin )

12 weeks is not that long ..

12 weeks ago today my youngest Angel left me to join her big sister, It doesnt feel like that long, it feels like it was today, i remember how i felt that day , the panic when i woke up and realised something was wrong , i didnt sleep much last ngiht maybe an hour or so, when i woke up i felt like id been beaten up in my sleep, i woke up and felt the wind knocked out of me, like someone punched me, i checked my bed, to check that what i saw was not the same, i dont know why i checked but i did, there was no blood, i was for some reason expecting to see some. I miss Horowai dancing around, when i was pregnant she was always moving, i wondered at first was 9 weeks to early to feel her? but my doctor told me that it was fine and that some babies can be felt that early, so it was great. I loved feeling her, it was the best feeling because i knew she was ok . I dont understand what happened, i felt her before i went to bed on the 10th sept and when i woke up i felt nothing, and i tried to make her move, i tryed anything and everything i could think of , but nothing worked. I recall my doctor crying when i begged him to do something :( i mean i BEGGED , i didnt care if it was not a good look , i begged anyway, and i prayed and still nothing.

I miss you bubba and i love you so much , please be a good girl for nana and Rillee. I will see you one day, i will hold you and kiss you and never let go :( <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

......

Have nothing much to say today, not long got up, couldnt seem to drag myself out of bed for most of the day, and am seriously thinking about going back there now. Tommorow will be 12 weeks since my youngest Angel grew her wings .. doesnt feel like it, it feels like it was this morning. I think tomorow will find me burying my head under my pillow as today did xx

Return of the prodical .... daughter ?

I havent posted for a while, have been so down and tired. I am kind of back now, i suppose. I talk to some people and have done a few things online, but am not finding it easy to want to talk to everyone, finding it difficult.

It seems that everyone is having a really hard time, christmas i must say SUX. I am missing my girls so much , this should be their first christmas, I should be taking photos of Rillee with all of her new christmas presents but instead im left with... a headache and no baby. i dont know how i will do this, if i can put on my "happy face" for my family and pretend nothing is wrong when my heart is broken and i feel like im sinking in quicksand.

I dont know what to do anymore.. I feel completly lost and overwhelmed, even talking to a group of friends in a support site chatroom feels overwhelming, a couple of people is ok, but if there are many, i cant find words and feel .. i dont even have a word to describe it, i LOVE that there are so may people using the room now , it awsome and i hope it keeps up, its just me , not coping i guess.

Feeli like i could snap at anytime, and would prefer to bury my head under my pillow and stay there.


My heart goes out to a good friend whos beautiful baby boy grew his Angel wings on christmas day , I love you and i wish i could give you a huge hug today and every day, i am here if you need me .xxooxx <3 T <3 C <3

I wish i could do something to help, all i have been able to do is watch as my friend works and work and then have others come along and try to destroy everything, why? just because? its unfair and its pathetic, big hug from me, and all i can say is karma comes in really handy sometimes ,
xxooxx mwaah xxooxx


Thats me for now i guess , thinking i might drag myself back to bed and cover my head, take care all xxooxx


Mummy misses you girls so much :( Love you now and forever <3>